Wow.

After coming down from the breakup, I'm a little less mushy gushy. I just wanna be happy. But I need to rant.

It's short and sweet. Maybe a paragraph. Or two. Anyhow..

Guys hate needy girls. We wouldn't be needy if you just gave us what we wanted. I don't ask for anything special. But I shouldn't have to initiate everything, especially physical contact. I want the guy to pull me in for kisses. I want the guy to pull my head onto his shoulder. I want him to be the active cuddler. I've never had a guy who can take the lead. That's my problem. I don't want to have to spell everything out for you. Just... DO IT.


In movies, I love when a guy will lay a girl down while climbing on her and kissing her. It's so cute. Or when they pull the girl down to them. Or pull them into them. Or pull them up to kiss. I mean, so many small things. But that's the gist of what I had to rant about. Cya when I have time to blog again. I'm so busy! Ahhh!

Why I Ride.

This is a tought moment in my life. I could be losing the person I care about more than anyone. I'm more in love than I've ever been. Ever.

Is it healthy? Probably not. But if I lose him, I'll have lost everything. Except one thing. My horses.

This is why I ride.

I wish I'd never met him, because then he'd never hurt me. But at the same time, it's been worth all of the laughs, and dreams, and wishes.

Riding turns I wish, into I am. I wished to be something. I am. I wished to be great. And I am.

He made me feel beautiful, but also had me constantly fretting about myself.

Riding gives me wings. Riding gives me the power and push to succeed. It makes me not give a fuck what anyone else has to say. Because it doesn't matter how I look. I'm good, and I know it. My competition doesn't matter, because it's just me and my horse. That's all.

He tries to accept me all the time. But he can only do it for so long.

My horse accepts me at 5 am when I look like hell or when I'm in the worst mood possible. He'll put me in my place, but love me unconditionally.

He wants to run away. He feels stressed and nothing can help.

My horse comes to me everyday in the pasture with his ears perked waiting for his carrot. And he's never ran away and not come back. Because he knows who loves him.

He doubts our future. He doesn't know where we'll be. He says he wants forever. But he can't promise that.

I jump 2'6". But my horse looks at the 4' jumps with his ears perked and head up like he's saying "we'll get there someday Jordy, I'll take you I promise"

Boys are clueless. Even if I spell it out, sometimes he just doesn't know.

With my horse, there's no secrets. He knows. I went into his stall about to cry and put my head into his shoulder and he turned around and hugged me with his neck and nuzzled me.

My boyfriend is such a sweetie. I love him more than he knows. And I'll feel incredibly stupid if i lose him.

I've had my bouts with bad shows, coming home with nothing. Not placing, getting DQd. Plenty of them. But no matter how bad the show is, my horse still looks at me the next day like "what are we doing next? I'm pumped let's go!" and willingly does what I ask.

My boyfriend is constantly pressures to do things that I don't approve of, and I do it because I care about him. But it causes him stress.

My horse loves what I do for him. I'm sure he'd rather be rolling around in the mud. But I know that he knows when he looks good. And I'm sure he'd rather be running with his friends in the pasture, but when I get him in the arena, he's locked and loaded. He takes whatever I put in front of him with no questions asked.

If I could go back in time, I'd have never met this boy. But now that I have, I want everything to be perfect.

Of all the money and time I've spent on my horse, he's never hurt me. He's always there for me and he never lets me down. I don't regret anything I've done with him.

I'm at a loss right now with my boyfriend. I don't know what to do to make our lives better.

I always know what my horse wants. And that's no question.

I wish I was cut off from the world. It would just be me, and my horse. That's all I've ever wanted.

I supplement my life with a boyfriend because I feel that human interaction is probably normal and that I love him more than anything.

I supplement my horse because I know it makes him perform at his top potential.

I could go on forever. But bottom line is, I wish I could go back and do things differently with my human love. But my horse love is set and stone, and that'll be forever.

What I don't like about myself.

I'm a teenage girl. I hate things about myself. It doesn't matter how bad I think I want to not give a shit about what others think, because in the end I give into it anyway.

-I want to be skinnier. Much skinnier.
-I want an entirely different face. My chin is too small and my cheeks and jaws are too big. I hate my forehead and my eyes are hideous.
-I want to be smaller. Who wants a 6' tall solid girl?
-I want to be a dancer again.
-I want to be tanner.
-I want a prettier smile.
-I want to be smarter.
-I want to not have 493094839 chins.
-I want a smaller nose.
-I want a non-obnoxious laugh.
-I want prettier hair.
-I want to be the girl that everyone thinks is gorgeous. All of the time.


I love my boyfriend so much, but since we've been dating, I'm constantly worrying about how I look. I met him with wet hair and no makeup looking like a hippo in a too small bikini. And he loved me then. But since last night, I feel like things are different. Last night I was all dressed up, and had tons of pictures taken of me. I hate all of them. I look hideous. I just don't know what to do. I feel so pulled apart. I love him more than anything, and I just wish I could be sure that he doesn't look at other girls thinking "she's hotter than my girlfriend." Because regardless of what he looks like, I think he's the best looking guy in the world. Inside and out.