Guilt.

If you put every emotion in a magic bullet, and turned it on high for about 3 years, that's how I feel right now.

Angry. Depressed. Frustrated. Sadn. Exhilirated. Energetic. Confused. Upset. Hurt. Lost. Guilty.

All I want to do is be good enough for him, but it's messing me up.

I usually eat everything I have for breakfast. All the cereal. All the Milk. And all of the fruit. But this morning, even in my half asleep mind, I stopped. I felt like I had to force myself to eat. I hated it. I felt guilty. And bad for eating. I pushed it away and wanted to break down into tears. I wanted it out of me. Every single bite of it. Every morsel of food that passed my mouth today hurt. And my mom bringing me chocolate didn't help. I ate a small piece, the size of a quarter and the thickness of my pinky. I wanted someone to hit me. It would have felt better to have my nose repeatedly broken than to eat more. I sit here almost crying because I feel like I've let everyone down. Like I've lost everything. I'm so hurt and confused. I'm the small child lost in the big city and all anyone can do is trip over me and push me around. I want to curl up in a ball and let them. Because I deserve it. I deserve every. single. kick. And I'd take them for him. I feel like the only way I'll be good enough for him is to... is to... I don't know. I really don't know.

I'm lost and clueless. And I can't find my way into his heart or his arms. I'm too big or not smart enough or not good enough at the things that he is. I amount to nothing in his world. I'm nothing but a girl who he walks past every day and thinks nothing of. And even if I jump out in front of him, he'd walk right through me. That's how I am to everyone. Invisible. Invisible and Guilty.