Another Metaphor: Relationships

Ive had tons of relationships. A relationship doesn't have to mean a boy and a girl who are "Facebook official". relationships are with anyone you're acquainted with. Hell, you an have a relationship with someone without even knowing it. The people who act like they're so perfect are the ones who think relationships are as easy as swimming in the kiddie pool. You control your direction. you set the pace. your head is always above water. and if someone pees in the pool, it's okay. because they have filters. I get that it isn't the best logic, but it makes sense. many people agree with it. but it's wrong.

relationships in life are like a wild horse. they're going to run from you. and to catch a good one isn't easy. even when you do catch it it's still going to fight you. You can begin to tame it and love it. Even though it's wild you don't care because it's spirit and fire is beautiful. You eventually can get on top of it (no sexual reference here, seriously) and can learn to ride it. It transforms into this amazing but energetic being and you begin to become one with it. But just because you took the horse out of the wild doesn't mean you took the wild out of the horse. You're flying smoothly and sailing over every obstacle in the way. But all of a sudden, you hit the ground. You're completely shocked. What happened? Could you not get over one of those obstacles? Were you going to fast? Did it take an unexpected turn? you get up and brush yourself off. You look for your mount. You spot it. But someone else already caught it for you. And it's so far away. You can't bear to take it back. It's easier to return to the stable empty handed you think. Until you realize what you lost. You run back to it through all the pain blind from the tears. But someone else has already corrupt the beautiful thing you once had. And you'll never have one quite like that. It's gone... forever.

Really Webster? (1)

ma·tu·ri·ty noun \mə-ˈtu̇r-ə-tē, -ˈtyu̇r- also -ˈchu̇r-\
1: the quality or state of being mature; especially : full development

Full Development? Come on.

How many peoplr have you EVER heard of, that have reached full development. We're always changing.

I watched a movie the other day, about a family who stayed as they were forever. They all had drank water from a stream, which gave them eternal life. The father of the family said "we don't live, we just are " It got me thinking. How do I change? Many people have told me how mature I am. But the connotation of mature has changed. I'm mature because I'm able to make rational decisions as well as not give a flying fuck about what most people think about what I do. But from day to day, I see change in myself. And that's never going to change. Some days, I change alot. Like take June 27, 2010 for example. That day changed my life forever. But take that change. It's like a ripple effect. It will continue to change me until I die. Even after I die. I've begun to read "Spoon River Anthology" by Edgar Lee Masters. It's a book composed of nothing but epitaphs. The epitaphs describe things from love to drunks to people who made a social impact. But it shows that peopole develop even after death. And not in the spiritual kind of way. Have you ever dropped a fishing line in the water and then reeled in right away? Every person is a fishing line. Just because you pull the line out of the water doesn't mean the ripples stop.

Yes this totally has to do with the main topic. Basically, I think websters is 100% wrong. Because to be mature is possible. Because we're always more mature than we were the previous second. Or you can look at it as, you can never be mature. Because we always change. But it doesn't mean that you're closer to being fully developed.

I guess my whole point of this whole rant is that you can never expect to be a complete person. Or to be perfect. You can only expect to find your best source of contentment for each moment you have on this earth. Because even after you become a part of it, you will echo throughout it forever.

Happily Ever After

Just.. Ya know.




It’s like in all the fairy tales

They talk about love they’ve lost
Replacements they’ve found
I ask was it true love, or was it lust?
Always in my head, twirling around

My curiosity needs quenched with the fact of what I did wrong
You say I did nothing, your voice like a song
I’m almost positive that it’s really over
I need a good luck charm, a four leaf clover

Your gorgeous green crystals
Gazed right in my eyes
I heard the rain at a slight drizzle
Falling out of the sky

I felt your embrace
Right up against your chest
Looking up into your face
I know you make me my best

I could feel your heart beat
So steadily and sure
My face turned red with heat
Your touch is my cure

There’s nothing in this world
That I thought could tear us apart
But in your arms I was curled
Never closer to your heart

Now why was there tension
Between us now
We need intervention
How us to save us, I don’t know how

Your face turned misty
My eyes felt warm
My head, it felt dizzy
My emotions started to swarm

I didn’t know why
I was so happy now
I thought I was starting to cry
But my eyes wouldn’t allow

You asked me what was wrong
I said I just don’t know how this can end
He said have you thought that this long
I told him the messages he was beginning to send

He looked at me funny
His eyes they were wild
He smiled and said hunny,
You see like a child

It’s by no fault of yours
That I’ve been acting this way
But in the next few hours
There’s something I have to say

My heart skipped a beat
You were scaring me to death
With this amazing feat
You could hear it on my breath

You pulled me in close
And told me everything was okay
I needed to stop worrying
It was going to be a special day

I now regret thinking
That this was actually done
Like our ship was sinking
Like the red glowing sun

The only theory I can create
Was subconscious paranoia
But since our first date
I knew that I’d always love ya

The night drew on
It was awkward at least
But you took me to dinner
We had a small feast

We sat on the terrace
Watching the sun set on the horizon
Through our eyes, communicating in silence
Not needing words for connection

We finished our meal
But something still wasn’t right
we had a deal
Something was going to happen tonight

You took me by the hand
And walked me across the small deck
Over to the lake, our special land
On my cheek, you gave me a peck

Yours eyes on that night
Put the stars to shame
I looked around everything just right
I could feel the mutual internal flame

You pushed me away a little
I didn’t understand
Until you got down on one knee
And took my hand

I finally came to grips
With why you had been acting so odd
I read the words on your lips
All I could do was nod

You wanted us forever
That’s what you told me
Our bond never to be broken
Together for all eternity

The little blue box opened up
Presenting a small silver band
Carrying a diamond on top
You slipped it on my finger
A chill went through my spine
The feeling is today still at linger
That you are really mine

You got up off of your knee
Brushing the dirt from your pants
Pulling yourself into me
Telling me you had approval from my parents

My father approved of him
Since we started in highschool
My mother called him a sin
Because he was a young fool

Now they both accept
Who he will become
Not just a friend
But now he is their son

There’s nothing left I need to write
Until I start a new chapter
My heart is still full of light
And fairy tales really can end
In happily ever after

Can't Remember When I Wrote This One

No more taste of my salty tears
That’s all I’ve known these past few years
Nothing more to mist my eyes
Or it might make me go suicide
I don’t know how but I do know why
It’s time for me to say good bye

I couldn’t leave here with no destination
But I got one now get me to a station
People say I’m running away
But can’t tell me why to stay
They have no problem makin em all the bad guy
But can’t turn around and see their own lies

You’re double standards make me sick and tired
Push me too far I get high wired
When I try to stand up you push me to the ground
All I can say is what goes around comes around

August 15, 2010

My purpose for writing this is for my knowledge only. You can ask, but I might not tell you. I think it's pretty kick-ass.


I’m layin here choked up
and all confused
my emotions are swirlin
my heart’s abused
I know exactly why
I’m feelin this way
Because of you
And the things you say

You’ve got my heart
With no right
But I can’t take it back
No matter how hard I fight
It’s like I change
Change when I think
Think about what I want us to be
The pieces don’t even fit though
Not with the way you treat me
Maybe I’m not pretty enough
Or maybe I just care too much
Its never been like this before
Fallen for you more and more
You call me pathetic
A loser, alone
But it doesn’t seem to phase me
when your words should cut to the bone
I can write and say what I want
But you still wouldn’t care
About the feelings I wish we shared.
I’m not tryin to make you flattered
I’m not some kinda fool
I just wish you wouldn’t leave me here shattered
The act, just feels so cruel

I guess I’ll leave you be now
If that’s really what you want
So you won’t anymore be bothered
With the feelings I proudly flaunt
I’ll force my heart away from you
As hard as it'll be
Because apparently you don’t deserve
A girl as loving as me
I only seek your approval
Because I’m so often denied
And hopefully the way I love you
Will stay with me inside
Unless you really want it
Nah, I don’t think you do
And things like this
Well, you probably hate them to
Just so you know
I love you so fucking much
When you decide you want me
Try to get in touch
And maybe that spark
Will grow into a burning flame
And everything I’ve put into you
Will not have been in shame.

Name Change.

I've renamed my blog Panacea. Because this blog is my panacea. I mean when I need to rant about relationships, religion, society problems, friends, school, anything. It's there. It does it's own talking back. That's really all I needed to say about that....

Metaphor Battle - Will Update Later

I have an impeccable ability to make an analogy or metaphor for almost anything in life.

Recent Analogies...
1. The searing pain in your thighs when you ride: Imagine squeezing a fully inflated basketball in between your thighs while in "up" part of a sit up position until it pops. Then when it pops, do it again. It might be about half the pain.

2. Relationships: I like to envision them as a jumping course. When you're confident you know that you're going to set up properly and soar right over each combination. You no longer have 5 senses. Everything combines into one. Like the hearts of two people in love. Your heartbeat synchronizes with the hoof beats and you float fluently but powerfully; like waves on the ocean. You glide as one with your mount.
But when you're having a sketchy run, things get intimidating. Your heart tiptoes into every single beat. Your eyes can't perceive everything that's going on in front of you. Your senses are all over the place and you’re suddenly lost on this feral beast with no sense of the direction. Your heart skips beats before, after and over the jump. You hold on for dear life and just wait to make it through. You can’t look the judges in the eye. Your trainer is disappointed. You let your horse and yourself down.
You get a rush from both but in different ways. A good run gives you a warm, safe, comfortable and satisfied feeling. A bad run gives you a feeling like you’re dizzy and drained of blood. It’s like love. Situation 1 is similar to a stable, good relationship, where you know that the person will be there for you, even if it’s to say nothing. But situation 2 represents the relationship in which you don’t know if the person is even going to love you from day to day. And it isn’t necessarily always boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, etc. relationships. Friendships are the same way.

Where the Ocean Meets the Sky

The ocean and sky are often personified in literature to enhance the meaning of something so vast that you can ponder it for days and never come to a conclusion. The very depths of the ocean in which are living the most evil and ugly of creatures span thousands of feet until the rolling green foaming waves meet the ever changing merciless sky. One can only imagine what's below the surface of the ocean or what may be above the clouds. Those unable to think for themselves and who need a fallback believe that there is some kind of almighty being above the clouds who controls our very fate. I believe there's nothing but ever expanding space.

Anyway, back to the point. Think about this, the horizon is often used as a powerful metaphor. "Disappeared into the horizon" "Looking off into the horizon". The funny thing is, it doesn't exist. It's only a state of mind, much like happiness, love and hate. It is fantastically similar to life. You look for something and you know you want it so damn bad and you don't take your eyes off of it and you run and fight to get there. But you never will. Because it isn't really there.

But a picture says a thousand words. How about the picture you see everyday; your shadow. Remember Peter Pan? And his shadow? Well our shadows don't run away from us. They're always with us and always changing. But we can't get away from them. We can't catch them. We can't control them. The only way to get rid of it is to shut ourselves away from the light of the world. The light that shines across the horizon every day. The light that makes us open our eyes to the world. The light that shines on our obstacles. The light that makes our shadow is reality. No matter how much you wanna get to the horizon, reality will keep pushing it away from you. And you're never going to reach it.

The horizon is over rated. The horizon is what everyone wants. Running into the horizon stretches and malforms your shadow to look just as mangled as everyone else's who is running for the same horizon. Don't do what everyone else is doing. Stop focusing on the horizon. Turn around and let the world see you in a whole new way.

All of my crazy ranting has a purpose, I promise.

I went to the beach last summer looking the same direction as the other people on the trip. But when I turned around and found my own meaning for being there, I found the best thing I've ever seen. A new beginning. A reason to keep going. A reason to not need reality. A reason to recreate everything I stand for. It's all because of that one turn of my head that I'm still here. That I didn't give up on life. I had a plan before school started that year. I'd be gone. But I'm still here.

I am here.

Day 1.

Today, at about 1am, I sent my last message for awhile. Sure I was going to be missing out. But it's not too bad yet. It's weird not having the freedom to ask questions or express emotions. But it's okay. I just think about the stories that I'll hear in no time at all. It isn't really hurting. In fact it may be a good test of this recent fad of mine. Not much else to say as of now.

Later I am most likely going to the Gorge or maybe down to the creek to take some pictures. Really in that kind of mood lately.

Also, I feel kind of useless. The girl who used to be my best friend in the world is growing apart from me. I understand if she has other friends, but she's changing. And not for the better. You can not give a flying fuck about the world but still be a well rounded person. For the most part, I don't give a second thought about what people say. Because I don't care. But I'm still happy. No I don't have hundreds of close friends, but I have a good circle of real friends. I'm not conformist, but I can be my own person without rebelling just for the hell of it. I can also be a strong person while still maintaining what I believe. I don't expect everyone to be like me.

"Nature never deceives us; it is we who deceive ourselves."
A quote by Jean Jacques Rousseau, who believed that society was the corruption of all human beings, and that in nature we could grow as stronger people. I believe the world could be a better place if people could follow the paths that they wanted to create, instead of carelessly swerving down the paths that others create for them.

Permit.

I just typed an entire blog ranting about how my brother has the ability to manipulate me through my mother. Then Blogger effed up and deleted it.

Dear Blogger,
FUCKYOUFORPISSINGMEOFFFFFF.IABSOLUTELYHATEYOU.

Anywho....

Basically. My brother uses this epic battle between my parents to his advantage. And it's always my fault when he gets mad. For istance. I was supposed to drive with my recently aquired permit. But since he said I "was not about to drive with him in the car", I didn't drive. It really sucks that this kid can't just get over his anger and attitude problems and grow up. Because he's gonna get a harsh reality check. I hope it hits him super fucking hard. I slowly opened my eyes to reality. He's jsut gonna get smacked in the face with a burnt out flashlight.... (Totally just pictured that in my head... LOL) No, I'm not violent. It's just a metaphor...

What I used to be.

I used to be the pretty girl that everyone wanted pictures of.
I used to be the girl with 8 modeling agencies asking her to sign with them.
I used to be the girl who had cheerleading, dance or gymnastics everyday.
I used to be the girl who could run a mile in 6 minutes.
I used to be the girl who had a perfect grade on every test.
I used to be the girl who was still excited when daddy came home.
I used to be the girl who thought the best place in the world was right in between mommy and daddy.
I used to be the girl who never thought she'd sit alone at night crying with no one to hold her, because mommy or daddy would always be there.
I used to be the girl who thought the only boy she'd ever love was the horse that she had to have taken away.
I used to be the girl with dreams so big no one could bring me down.
I used to be the girl who had the perfect group of friends.
I used to be the girl on the swimteam that everyone wanted as an anchor for their relay.
I used to be the girl who still got excited to go to grandma and papa's house because they'd always love me.
I used to be the girl that could sing her heart out.
I used to be the girl that could talk to her daddy about anything.
I used to be the girl that could play with her little brother and get along just fine.
I used to be the girl who could live everyday to the fullest and always have a big dream for tomorrow. Because I used to be the girl whose life wasn't written in an agreement by an attorney; a judge didn't decide my life for me. I did. I used to be the girl who wasn't the unarmed soldier standing alone when her family started world war three. I used to be happy.

(Insert Bitchy Teen-Feuled Title Here)

Ohhhmygoodness. Time like these are times where I wish I would have just gone to AOA and I wouldn't have to deal with things like this! I could have snowboarded all the time and I'd ride everyday and wouldn't have to deal with my parents! I moved away from my dad thinking things would be better. Thinking that I wouldn't have to take shit from the person who I'm supposed to be able to go to anything for; my parent. I'm extremely smart, and I know it. But I can't stand the school here. All of the teachers blow whale d*** and don't give a flying f*** about their students. They say they'll stay after school with you and what not, but even when you do, they don't help. I have one close friend here, I don't know what I'd do without her. But she's not really the kind of person that I'd call crying like I am now... And the boy that I absolutely love would rather make jokes or push it off like "awh it's okay" or "she's wrong". But I guess the reality of it is that no matter what anyone says everything will still be the same. I can't describe it really, how shitty I feel. I want to go back to Stow. Actually, I'd rather be at AOA. But I don't have 100,000 dollars for school right now. Or any of the schools I looked at... To be away from my parents and be able to be independent would take an insane amount of stress off of me. It also doesn't help that I can't do anything else right. I can't get my two point perfect and I can't get an A on tests anymore no matter how much I study or I can't just go out and run eight miles. Things like that are what's killing me. I want to be something great, but no one else thinks I can do it. I'm gonna prove everyone wrong. And all the people who think they were there, but pissed me off. They won't be in my life at all. All of this just because she told me I'm not good enough. Ha. Bitch. You think you have it rough? Try to be in my shoes. You weren't in all Honors and AP courses in highschool. You weren't a girl in two male dominated sports. Your parents didn't live 800 miles apart. You didn't have all of the things I do. So shut the hell up. Just because you weren't me doesn't mean you have to hate on me. I try so hard. And you don't appreciate it at all. Well guess what, you won't be the one I'm thanking when I'm standing on the first place podium with a gold medal with the rest of the US olympic eventing team. I'll have no one to thank but myself, and whoever else helps me get there. I only have to rely on you for a few things because I have to. Believe me. If I didn't, I'd be long gone.

Now, I'm mad

No, not really. But don't you hate how you're perfectly content with what you have and then you discover that there's something out there so much bigger and better but you can't get it? Gosh. I hate that feeling. So much. With any area of life. Well. That was short. Just needed to say it somewhere off of facebook. Will Blog later.

Miscellaneous Rants

I have soooo many things to rant about. I don't know what the limit of a blog post is, but I might hit it.

First of all..
I've ranted about facial hair before, but I need to say AGAIN. Ew. It's like. I can't explain it. I was downtown a few days ago, and this guy had the nastiest hairest blehish mustache I've ever seen in my life. and he was eating. ICE CREAM. Like who the fuck DOES that? It was one of those things where you have trouble not staring because it's just THAT gross. He was probably 20 something. And could have been a bit more attractive. But never will be, because I saw him with a moustache. I could rant repetitively for HOURS. Just because of that. Like the thought of feeling a guys facial hair makes me cringe, and want to puke. Is there such thing as moustachephobia? Because I think I have it. And beards. oh mylanta. Beards. The way I feel about beards, is how I assume guys feel about a girl with as much chest hair as Tim Allen in Jungle 2 Jungle. It also adds about 10 pounds to a guy's face. I could meet the man of my dreams tomorrow. But if has has ONE. And I mean one, facial hair. I'll smack him. Til it falls out. Better yet, when I get married and have tooons of money, I'm paying for my guy to have laser hair removal. All over his face. Also Guys, get your eyebrowns done. Please. It doesn't have to be anything fancy or borderling homosexual, but just trim them up? Most guys believe that if their hair covers it, their good to go. WRONG. I can STILL SEE IT. And it makes me want to hold you down and wax them. I'd perfer if a guy shaves his chest and belly occasionally, but I don't expect it to be smooth all the time. And finally; manscaping. I understand that guys get razorburn very easily, but guess what SO DO GIRLS. While it may be a comon misconception that girls are magically smooth, it's not. Lemme tell you, it hurts. The day after a girl shaves, it can burn and itch and other nasty things that guys don't think about. Legs aren't as big of a deal, though. (Don't worry, I'm not going to suggest that guys shave their legs). Basically, if you touch a part of me (aside from my legs) and expect it to be hairless or trimmed, you better be trimmed/smooth there too.


Okay, next rant. Texting.
I absolutely hate the way some people text.
I can handle:
U
R
IDK
LOL, Lmao, roflshisbfmd, etc.
Hby
Brb
(can add more later)

What I can't handle, is when people try to be smart and fail.
They're = They are
Their = Possessive
There = Place
Get it right, for goodness sake!
Also;
Your = posessive
You're = you are.
Not that fucking difficult.
I've already ranted about my "I love you" debate.






Screamo music. Dear Lord.
I understand that everyone has their own opinions on music, but come on, screamo is pushing it. Websters defines music as "the science or art of ordering tones or sounds in succession, in combination, and in temporal relationships to produce a composition having unity and continuity" also as "vocal, instrumental, or mechanical sounds having rhythm, melody, or harmony." Screamo, has ZERO continuity/ unity. Also, can anyone find a rhythym, melody or harmony? I can't. Just because people say it's raw emotion, but that doesn't make it worthy of qualifying as a music genre.

Guilt.

If you put every emotion in a magic bullet, and turned it on high for about 3 years, that's how I feel right now.

Angry. Depressed. Frustrated. Sadn. Exhilirated. Energetic. Confused. Upset. Hurt. Lost. Guilty.

All I want to do is be good enough for him, but it's messing me up.

I usually eat everything I have for breakfast. All the cereal. All the Milk. And all of the fruit. But this morning, even in my half asleep mind, I stopped. I felt like I had to force myself to eat. I hated it. I felt guilty. And bad for eating. I pushed it away and wanted to break down into tears. I wanted it out of me. Every single bite of it. Every morsel of food that passed my mouth today hurt. And my mom bringing me chocolate didn't help. I ate a small piece, the size of a quarter and the thickness of my pinky. I wanted someone to hit me. It would have felt better to have my nose repeatedly broken than to eat more. I sit here almost crying because I feel like I've let everyone down. Like I've lost everything. I'm so hurt and confused. I'm the small child lost in the big city and all anyone can do is trip over me and push me around. I want to curl up in a ball and let them. Because I deserve it. I deserve every. single. kick. And I'd take them for him. I feel like the only way I'll be good enough for him is to... is to... I don't know. I really don't know.

I'm lost and clueless. And I can't find my way into his heart or his arms. I'm too big or not smart enough or not good enough at the things that he is. I amount to nothing in his world. I'm nothing but a girl who he walks past every day and thinks nothing of. And even if I jump out in front of him, he'd walk right through me. That's how I am to everyone. Invisible. Invisible and Guilty.

To Eat, or Not to Eat.

Human nature is to consume everything in sight just for the rush you can feel when you tear through it with your teach and let your taste buds tell your brain you're enjoying it. Then to have it slide into your stomach and be forgotten. Forgotten that is until you step on the scale, or try to get into ass-tight jeans. Or when you're heavier than half of your male friends. 

While a recent post discussed how average my weight is, I still decided that no one cares what the doctors say, just what the scale says. 

Well, I only ate half of breakfast and broke my lunch up into small meals throughout the day. I ate a bagel for dinner at about 15:30. And that was it. It feels kinda good. To not eat. Im growing used to the empty feeling in my stomach and the lightheadedness. It puts you into a whole new world, hunger does. But I'd still rather not eat. I can almost talk to the moans my stomach makes. It's like a game. It wants, and I tease it with a little food and it moans out again later when I don't give it enough. But right now I'm winning. Maybe I'm doing it for me, maybe I'm not. Some might call it dumb, but we'll see how long it lasts. I may be sick of it tomorrow or I may keep going until I'm sick and they have to force feed me. I don't intend for the level of extremity to come out of this. I only want to feel good enough for him, since I'm not as I am. He's better looking than me and in much better shape and a much more talented athlete (well, maybe) and probably has got more money than me. I don't know why I want to seem good enough. But I won't fake anything. I'll get in better shape and get prettier. And maybe someday I'll have lots of money. But who knows? I sure don't. 

Live in Concert.

So I didn't watch much of the super bowl, as I had it muted while doing my homework. I looked up and saw the B.E.P. concert. I turned it up to listen. HOLY.BALLS. I am NEVER going to any Black Eyed Peas concert. They were absolutely terrible. The dancers and high tech performance was very very cool. But the singing made my ears bleed a bit. They should stick to the extremely editied studio versions. Needless to say, I muted that shit and went back to reading Huckleberry Finn for the third time.

P.s. Usher's performance with Will.I.Am. made up for it.

Rodeo.

I went to the Dodge Toughest Cowboy rodeo today, and I sincerely miss rodeo. While I love eventing, Rodeo is great too. My only problem is the barrel girls. They have NO f***ing idea what they're doing. I believe this about many western game riders. Western pleasure isn't as bad, but then again, most western pleasure riders suck AND are stuck up. All they care about are their belt buckles to show off. Well guess what, as an eventer, we get broken bones, bruises, scars, muscles, ribbons, trophies and money for our awards. Not some big flashy buckle. I'm perfectly happy knowing inside that I'm a truely good rider in all aspects. Including sportsmanship. I've been at horse shows in which western riders won't hesitate to plow you down with their horse because either A; they can't control it, or B; they simply don't care. BUT. I respect western riders attempts to be good equestrian. But there's nothing in this world that's stronger than an eventer. When I have more time on my hands, I'm going to put on my jods and show shirt, zip on my leather half chaps and clean up my jumping saddle. Because bitches, I'm barrel racing in an english saddle. It's lighter and I can outrace you any day of the week. I've done it multiple times and I'll do it again.

This is why I ride. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbIVLe41Sq8

Wht did u say?

Okay so texting language is annoying. I'm going to edit this blog with all of my texting pet peeves later, but for now I have to say this.

Ily, Ilu, I love u, love u, uhmmm and anything else that isn't "I love you" bothers me. I understand shortcuts for other things. But come on people, if I love you is worht saying, it's worth spelling out.

"Ups and Downs"

I'll re-edit this blog when I think of something new in my life that contributes to my "ups" and my "downs". I'll also have a grey area category of things that change or are both.

Ups
Riding: I'm an amazing rider and my trainer Julie will take me far and so will Nikki.
Abbith: Ohhhmygosh. I don't know what I'd do without this girl. She's helped me through so much and she's really the only friend I have here.
Quinn: Just tonight, (2/4) Quinn and I talked for the first time in months. And it felt good. We're so close. I feel like he is my big brother and I could go to him about anything, even if I just need a laugh.

Grey
Boarding: I love to board, but with school, I just don't have time. It sucks to see my board sitting in my room all lonely.
Photography: I have a passion for photography, but my digital photography teacher is making me hate it... with a passion.
IMJ: I love this kid like crazy, but he's so far away. He makes me happy but kills me at the same time.

Downs
School: I love learning. But the school environment sucks.

Mixed Signals.

So not only am I running on little sleep; Not only did I have 2 hard tests today; and not only was a blind for over 2 hours; I also was confused out of my brain.

Sometimes mixed signals are a good thing. Sometimes they aren't.

I have a hard time with this whole "love" thing. It isn't that I don't want to give a guy my heart, I just don't want to have to doubt the guy who I want to give it too.

I want to give up on the male species altogether. Anyone else with me?

No but seriously though, I don't understand why people play with emotions. If you love me, you love me. If you don't, then don't tell me you do. Don't tell me one day that I give you butterflies and that you love me, and then not care about me the next.

I'm willing to admit that I fall hard and fast. And unfortunately, I always feel myself hitting things on the way down.

I love him, I really think I do. But I'm not sure how to read him. I guess I'm just paranoid. Maybe. And if he reads this, then he may be mad. But that's okay. Because I say what I need to say here. And if he doesn't like it then he either needs to grow a sack and deal with it, or not read it. (Note: this may not even be a specific person, I may just be ranting about the male species in general.)

But really, if you don't like her, tell her. Because the worst thing you can do is lead her on.

22

I've been feeling exceptionally low in the self esteem department lately. Mostly because of how chubby I feel. While I realise that I'm not the skinniest thing, let me clarify. While going through a depressiong during my freshman year of highschool, I gained about 30 pounds. And now, no matter what I do, I can't keep it off. In the summer I worked out daily and didn't lose one pound; all while eating healthy food. I can't win. At all.

Out of curiosity I used multiple websites as a reference for my healthy weight. I'm 15 years old and approximately 5'10" or 5'11". I entered my weight and came out with a BMI score of 22.Normal weight is between 18.5 and 24.9. Overweight is between 25 and 29.9. And obese is 30 or greater.So such it mother fu.... nevermind.

Anyway. I'm not overweight, I'm just not the skinniest person alive. While a 16 month long depression or no methods of weight loss working is an excuse, I still can't seem to get over the fact that I feel huge .

I'm not looking for people to say "Awhh honey you're not fat..." or anything like it. All I'm saying is, no one is perfect.

Also, I hate the fact that guys are just magically skinny. If you could live in a girls body for a week , you'd never want to eat again. Unfortunately, I don't have the will power to just not eat. And even at that, it probably wouldn't work. With my luck, I'd gain a few pounds. It sucks to feel huge around every guy who isn't 6'5". But unfortunately I'll just have to suck it up and deal. Or figure out how to loose some weight.

Moustaches.

Today I came home and turned on my laptop as usual. I signed in and my startup programs did their thing. It's part of my routine to check out the current events on MSN which usually leads me to look at strange medical mysteries.

Today I ended up looking at a man who had cancer inside of his actual head. He had to have bits of his face, head and his whole nose removed.

While it was a sad story and his new prosthetic face was neat, I came to a conclusion. Mustaches are potentially the biggest turn-off I've ever seen. If and when I marry someday, I hope to find someone I love but also someone attractive, like 100% of every species' population.

I can tolerate a guy whose body may not be that of an abercrombie model. Or maybe doesn't have perfect teeth or hair. But facial hair and acne are two things I can't tolerate. Bodies can be improved, but not easily. Teeth as well. Hair is circumstantial. Facial hair is really not that difficult. Honestly, every guy should shave at least once every day. Preferrably twice. Oh, and do some manscaping too. Acne. I get it. It happens. But when guys have disgustingly bad acne and don't do anything about it, it grosses me out. ESPECIALLY when they're older and just have scars left over.

But enough about that topic..

I know certain people would like me to write about them, but I feel like there is absolutely no transition that would make combining those two articles okay.

H.O.B.O. <3

P.s. If you haven't figured it out, "H.O.B.O." is just short for "Have One, Be One." It was completely unintentional.

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

I attempt to be vague in the majority of my blogs hoping that they'll apply to many circumstances. But this one is about me, not you. So stfu and read or go die. This blog has a title that pulls you in because it sounds so meaningful, but really it just sounded nice. (Yes, that's called bait and switch. Thanks Mr.Stratton)

Anywho, I feel like a hypocrit.

The boy who I'm falling without a safety net for is already half-committed.

I want to criticize my little bitchy heart out. But I can't.

I want to say you can't love someone you've never met. But for those of you who know me, that's not true.

I only want for him to be happy. Honestly. While it would hurt to loose him, I'd be happy knowing he has what he loves. But I'm afraid for him. Because I have a big mouth. And I've been through what he is experiencing. Twice have I fallen for people before I met them. Then I met them, and it all went away.

I'm scared for him and scared for me.

I'm still lingering over the smoking boy, but I just can't seem to step away. I want to, but I feel like I need to find a purpose for the boy in whom I invested so much time and energy and love.

But I don't feel bad moving on.

I've moved on but I'm scared. I want to love him, but he can't completely love me. I don't want to be number two. He doesn't explain things to me sometimes. And I feel as though he could turn out like the smoking boy. Loving but lying.

I try to push these thoughts to the back of my head because the happiness he brings me could overcome almost anything.

His laugh gives me butterflies. His voice is the most beautiful song I've ever heard. I could look into his beatiful blue-green eyes forever and become lost in the ocean of love I see on the surface and deep down inside.

I can't describe how he makes me feel. It's not the dead kind of love. It's the fun kind of love. The love that made you want to hold hands with your crush on the playground and the kind that makes old couples kiss when they can barely hold onto life on their own.

I'm torn. But it doesn't hurt. I can't decide. But I have chosen something. I've chosen to go with the flow and just take the punches as they come, hurt if they may. And if I end up broken again, it's no one's fault but my own. And I can say that I have no regrets. I have no regrets with the smoking boy and I have no regrets with the boy with no name. yet

If my words allowed me to explain how I feel about you, I'd spill them to you in the most beautiful waterfall anyone had ever seen that fell into a pure, crystal pool of water compared to nothing other than your perfect eyes that I find as a door to your heart. The day that I can look into them and tell you how I feel without speaking is the day that I will have completed this mission. Je t'aime

She pushed. She pushed as hard as she cold. Her vision blurred and her face burned. Every muscle in her body felt useless and dead but alive and on fire at the same time and only to break down as a failure for the millionth time since she'd been old enough to contemplate the meaning of the activities surrounding her seemingly miserable life. Pushed through the far too experienced eyes for fifteen was a hot and salty reminder that left the too-well known taste into her mouth. Her guard was let down and emotions spanning from anger and guilt and pain all the same broke down the dam that held back the tears. Feeling useless she wished to be small. Small like Alic in her Wonderland of Dreams but even in that land there was evil, whom shared the same maternal origin as goodness. Displaying that which is true in the world, and that all things good and bad and nice and naughty and sad and happy are so closely related into one thing that seperating them into categories is useless. As useless as she felt. To be small could give her the lack of feeling but the wrath of innocence would take it's toll again making her grow as Alice did with her pastry after falling...falling...falling..

The feeling of being small is that of which she's never known. But that which she did. To be able to meander through the rain that life brings down on you unnoticed but often dominated would be her best dream; and her worst nightmare. Rain does an amazing thing. While it drowns out helpless life it blooms flowers, as do tragedies in life.

Real Men; Part 1

Distance is nothing but a perception of how man views the amount of effort that he may need to get to a desired location. As for my perception. my distance between me and the smoking boy was not that of mileage, but that of heart. He was most attractive on the outside and a 7 moon preview of the inside revealed to be ideal in my mind. as you're aware of things have changed. 

As for distance of mileage, my renewed desire and longing for a most perfect figure of my future is of the definition. while he is many strides to the east, I could feel his touch on my skin, and most of all, his words on my recently heavy heart. 

A true and real man would not hold back from saying what's on his mind but while sacrificing awkward feeling. the mind of most men, especially those of younger years, is corrupt with fantasy; and hormones. 

to make a girl at peace and at comfort is a task that may never be completed in a mans lifetime. always to a female is there a situation stressing her in the back of her head that keeps her from achieving complete satisfaction. The boy whom I refer to has shown me not only satisfaction, but happiness. 

To possess the ability to make a girl comfortable on the topic of sex is not common. But this boy has it. The use of words such as gynecology, period and other sensitive words on a light and caring tongue is a language all it's own. he's mastered it. 

while he is fluent in the language of my happiness, he is also the missing piece to my jigsaw. Not he, nor I, have a reason to compromise or change. Only be ourselves. To be happy as oneself is to find your purpose in life. To be told your place in life is to fall victim to the mold of a different blacksmith. While metaphors are useful, they're also true to the story. 

Endless things could be written about my newfound desire for this figure in my life. don't hesitate to recheck this page for updates on my happiness. until then, I bid adieu to you. 

Opinion: Smoking

Today my day started at 6 am. I slipped into bluejeans and a hoodie while eating a pancake and strawberries. I brushed through my curls and put my contacts in. I put on my eyeliner and mascara. I brushed my teeth, put on deoderant and sprayed my perfume before I slipped my heavy backpack over my shoulder and climbed the steps to a new day. My first and second hour classes went well. Then I went to homeroom. We watched a video today on Texting and Driving. Yes it was impactful and scared the shit out of me, considering I get my permit next week. But while the warning about distracted driving is handy, I took something else from the video. Decisions.

We've made decisions since we were young. Should I eat the olive on my finger, or should I throw it at my mom? Though our brains weren't processed enough to say the words in English, we still made the decisions. Whether the outcome was rational or not is irrelevant. I've made countless decisions since then. Some things as simple as wearing the red shirt or the orange one. And also things as big as, "should I leave what I've known all of my life and move 800 miles away to a northern frozen hell?"

I've always suffered the consequences of my decision; whether they were good or bad. But as for some people, I don't believe that they care about the consequences, or that the consequences don't apply to them.

I used to live in a town where underage smoking was common. Truth be known, I've never picked up any kind of plant to be smoked in my life . It isn't just the disgusting physical factors of the habit; yellow teeth, bad breath, dead brain cells, cancer, shortness of breath; but also the reliance and bad decisions that come with it.

A boy I was close to lied to me for 7 months about his smoking. If he would have told me when we met, if could have been different. I didn't see him much, but I loved him. I saw no signs of it at all. But he told me and I was crushed.

After cooling off for a few days, I tried to talk it over with him. I asked him if he'd stop smoking so we could try again. His response? I don't know. He basically said that he didn't want to give it up because it "relieves his stress." I know that psychological dependence on a drug is common, but last time I checked, tobacco didn't hinder your ability to make decisions. Needless to say, he's not getting a second chance.

Smoking kills over 5.4 million people every year. That's one every 6.5 seconds. It costs the U.S. government 92 Billion Dollars per year. Approximately .7% of our nation's debt. Smoking costs each taxpayer about 65$. I've been working for the American Cancer Society for 8 years now, and I've seen plenty of people suffer from tobacco related illnesses. I don't understand how people choose smoking over life.

Today I came home from school, ate my dinner, and then had tobacco chosen over me.