I hope my few normal readers ignore this post because it's one hundred percent the drama fueled teen in me coming out. It needs somewhere to go.
So basically, here's the problem. I found myself the perfect guy. We've been friends for a few years, but we finally figured out we clicked more than just friends.
He's great, really. Really.
But I suppose I expect alot.
He has his moments where if it were anyone else, I'd tell them to fuck off and I'd not talk with them for a couple weeks. But I just can't do it with this one.
He seems so soft. Like a teddy bear. And he's so sweet, he notices the little things. But I'm also already noticing little problems.
I get that relationships are hard, and it's okay to say so. But I think it went a little far. When talking about a touchy subject, you have to pick your words carefully. It's ok to express out loud, but do it right. It hurts when you dedicate yourself to one person, and they say they "hate it".
"it" could mean so many things. But grammatically, "it" was the relationship.
When something really hurts me, or makes me mad, I get a sharp pain in the palms of my hands and in my face. And I for sure had that right when it came out of his mouth. I know he didn't mean to hurt, but it really did.
I don't want to "cause issues", but I AM a girl, and sometimes guys need a bit of guidance.
I also dislike guys who don't talk about what's going on. There's obviously something different, but I don't know what.
I told him I'll trust him until he gives me reason not to, but it's hard.
So bottom line is, if you've got something good going with a girl, don't tell her you hate it. You may just bring tears to her eyes, because it does indeed hurt.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Grocery Stores and Parents Who Deserve a Reward.
Being a horse person my whole life, I was never one to babysit - or want anything to do with kids for that matter. I have enough horsey stuff going on in my life, I don't need a kid to go along with it. I'm only 16, so I wouldn't want a kid anyway, but I just can't see myself being happy with a child. But I suppose things could change.
I personally know one parent who has a special needs child. She is an amazing person. She does absolutely everything with this child. He couldn't have a better life, regardless if he could walk or not. She sticks up for him and loves him like no other. She deserves more than the world could give her.
So the event of the day....
It was about 9 or so, and I was just getting to the grocery store after a day of barn chores and training session with a pony (whos story you may read here ) and my new 6 year old TB. Of course I'm with my mom wearing breeches, a tucked in shirt with a belt and tennis shoes. Which in a horsey area would be accepted. But not in my suburban community. A girl was walking around the produce section stomping and making loud noises near an older gentleman, who I presume is her father or guardian. Many people were staring (my community consists of many self absorbed stuck up assholes, by the way) but he was not phased. He stayed with the girl, who I'm guessing was 13 or 14, but acted about 3. I'm not sure what mental disabilities troubled her, but she seemed happy, just immature. I'm sure I could have handled the situation on a good day when I wasn't stressed or anything. But this father was absolutely calm. He was happy in fact. He watched the girl while he continued to put food into his cart. She pointed out some fruit (loudly, might I add) and started to scream and laugh. He chuckled with her, and asked her what color it was. I couldn't hear her reply, but I'm assuming she was right because she was still happy. I passed them a few more times and the man and the girl just seemed so calm in such an obnoxious and busy store.
I couldn't stop thinking about it the entire night. If I had to deal with something like that all day every day, I'd lose my marbles. I envy this man. Though he's a stranger, he is a hero
I personally know one parent who has a special needs child. She is an amazing person. She does absolutely everything with this child. He couldn't have a better life, regardless if he could walk or not. She sticks up for him and loves him like no other. She deserves more than the world could give her.
So the event of the day....
It was about 9 or so, and I was just getting to the grocery store after a day of barn chores and training session with a pony (whos story you may read here ) and my new 6 year old TB. Of course I'm with my mom wearing breeches, a tucked in shirt with a belt and tennis shoes. Which in a horsey area would be accepted. But not in my suburban community. A girl was walking around the produce section stomping and making loud noises near an older gentleman, who I presume is her father or guardian. Many people were staring (my community consists of many self absorbed stuck up assholes, by the way) but he was not phased. He stayed with the girl, who I'm guessing was 13 or 14, but acted about 3. I'm not sure what mental disabilities troubled her, but she seemed happy, just immature. I'm sure I could have handled the situation on a good day when I wasn't stressed or anything. But this father was absolutely calm. He was happy in fact. He watched the girl while he continued to put food into his cart. She pointed out some fruit (loudly, might I add) and started to scream and laugh. He chuckled with her, and asked her what color it was. I couldn't hear her reply, but I'm assuming she was right because she was still happy. I passed them a few more times and the man and the girl just seemed so calm in such an obnoxious and busy store.
I couldn't stop thinking about it the entire night. If I had to deal with something like that all day every day, I'd lose my marbles. I envy this man. Though he's a stranger, he is a hero
Monday, July 25, 2011
"Let's Just Put It Behind Us"
I once heard a guy tell me that women hold grudges for ever, and men put things behind them. I've discovered the secret.
I (like many other girls) have been screwed over by far too many guys in my life. Guys seem to think that once you fight something out, it's fine the next day - when it's their fault.
Truth is, is that guys just aren't as wise in thinking ahead. It's human nature to forgive for a few mistakes. But a repetative occurence is called a habit. And habits are tough - some say impossible - to break. If something has happened once or twice, and it's forgiveable, it's ok. But on to the fourth, fifth, sixth time? It's not acceptable.
I'm smart enough to know that guys are clueless about themselves. Its the same reason males have less self confidence issues. It's because they're blind. They don't see it when they're being dumb (for lack of a better term.)
They lack so many common sense skills. I can't think of one guy that has the intuition, common sense or ability to change that a woman does. I'm not saying I'd like to be surrounded by women - because I can't stand a lot of them.
I'm rambling know. Bottom line is that when it gets to a point with any male figure that I can assume when a fight, argument or problem when occur, it's time to move on.
I (like many other girls) have been screwed over by far too many guys in my life. Guys seem to think that once you fight something out, it's fine the next day - when it's their fault.
Truth is, is that guys just aren't as wise in thinking ahead. It's human nature to forgive for a few mistakes. But a repetative occurence is called a habit. And habits are tough - some say impossible - to break. If something has happened once or twice, and it's forgiveable, it's ok. But on to the fourth, fifth, sixth time? It's not acceptable.
I'm smart enough to know that guys are clueless about themselves. Its the same reason males have less self confidence issues. It's because they're blind. They don't see it when they're being dumb (for lack of a better term.)
They lack so many common sense skills. I can't think of one guy that has the intuition, common sense or ability to change that a woman does. I'm not saying I'd like to be surrounded by women - because I can't stand a lot of them.
I'm rambling know. Bottom line is that when it gets to a point with any male figure that I can assume when a fight, argument or problem when occur, it's time to move on.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Return to blogging.. finally.
It's 11:50. I'm still in my pajamas watching what not to wear about a cat obsessed cellist (sp?). It makes me feel better about myself. How bad does that sound? Welcome to life, kids. I'm not the kind of person who will put other people down or stab them in the back because it helps my confidence level. I think that's awful. But sometimes I'll look at someone who is clueless about life or that has a bad attitude or whom doesn't appreciate what they have and think "wow, it sucks to be that person."
I've been riding horses since I was 7 years old. I'll be 16 in late August. Horses are a cut-throat industry. In Ohio, where everything began for me, sportsmanship was a good thing. I remember being at multiple shows, riding lessons, etc. where everyone, even complete strangers, encouraged each other.
I was in one show where there were two girls in my Training 2 dressage class. The other girl and I were practically the same. We were even riding the same horse. It was tough competition! She had tacked up our horse and when she was done in the warmup ring, it was my turn to warm up. I trotted the horse around the first corner and I hit the ground. All I could think was "dumb bitch didn't tighten the girth." But when I stood up and dusted my shirt off to go catch the nutso horse I had a better thought. It wasn't her fault. It was mine. I know I'm supposed to check the girth before I mount up.
She apologized over and over. I put the saddle back on, handed her the reins and said "don't worry about it, everything is okay, good luck." I wasn't mad. I was shaken, sure.
Another girl I knew who wasn't riding that day gave me a huge hug and said to forget about it, I was an awesome rider and everyone knew that.
It was my turn to ride my test and I did almost perfectly. We floated through the test. Easy. Piece of cake. After the final salaute, I was relieved, but it wasn't over.
After the tests were scored I went to see how I did. There was a blue ribbon laying there with a trophy, next to a red ribbon. I was nervous. Although second place isn't bad, no one else had to know it also meant last. The trophy and the blue ribbon were picked up and my heart skipped a beat, and then they were handed to me. The red ribbon went to the other girl, but we were both satisfied.
The point of the story is, karma happens. And winning fair is the best feeling in the world.
I went to a show at the end of May where I live now, in Minnesota. I rode in two jumper rounds, and one hunter round. I had probably 30 to 40 people in each class - big show. I had never ridden a hunter round in my life, I'd always been a jumper. I went into the hunter ring and actually had a good round, but what I heard when I left the ring was absolutely terrible. Three girls sat ringside and laughed at me. I had worked at the barn where these girls kept their horses. I jump higher than they do. And I'm a hard worker. I ignored them and moved on with my life, but it still sticks in my head that people can be so cruel.
The best policy for sports is this:
Keep a level head; think before you react. There are consequences for actions and reactions.
Winning doesn't mean you beat everyone else. Winning means you come out of the ring, field, court, etc. feeling like you've accomplished something. And just because you didn't win doesn't mean you lost.
What goes around comes around. The person you just made fun of may just kick your ass later, because they've got a better attitude than you.
It's all about the heart. If you don't have the heart, fire, passion and spirit to do what you're doing, then stop doing it.
And lastly, never give up. Anything you thought was worth doing in the first place is always worth giving another shot. Don't ever regret anything that made you a better person. Everything makes you a better person.
I've been riding horses since I was 7 years old. I'll be 16 in late August. Horses are a cut-throat industry. In Ohio, where everything began for me, sportsmanship was a good thing. I remember being at multiple shows, riding lessons, etc. where everyone, even complete strangers, encouraged each other.
I was in one show where there were two girls in my Training 2 dressage class. The other girl and I were practically the same. We were even riding the same horse. It was tough competition! She had tacked up our horse and when she was done in the warmup ring, it was my turn to warm up. I trotted the horse around the first corner and I hit the ground. All I could think was "dumb bitch didn't tighten the girth." But when I stood up and dusted my shirt off to go catch the nutso horse I had a better thought. It wasn't her fault. It was mine. I know I'm supposed to check the girth before I mount up.
She apologized over and over. I put the saddle back on, handed her the reins and said "don't worry about it, everything is okay, good luck." I wasn't mad. I was shaken, sure.
Another girl I knew who wasn't riding that day gave me a huge hug and said to forget about it, I was an awesome rider and everyone knew that.
It was my turn to ride my test and I did almost perfectly. We floated through the test. Easy. Piece of cake. After the final salaute, I was relieved, but it wasn't over.
After the tests were scored I went to see how I did. There was a blue ribbon laying there with a trophy, next to a red ribbon. I was nervous. Although second place isn't bad, no one else had to know it also meant last. The trophy and the blue ribbon were picked up and my heart skipped a beat, and then they were handed to me. The red ribbon went to the other girl, but we were both satisfied.
The point of the story is, karma happens. And winning fair is the best feeling in the world.
I went to a show at the end of May where I live now, in Minnesota. I rode in two jumper rounds, and one hunter round. I had probably 30 to 40 people in each class - big show. I had never ridden a hunter round in my life, I'd always been a jumper. I went into the hunter ring and actually had a good round, but what I heard when I left the ring was absolutely terrible. Three girls sat ringside and laughed at me. I had worked at the barn where these girls kept their horses. I jump higher than they do. And I'm a hard worker. I ignored them and moved on with my life, but it still sticks in my head that people can be so cruel.
The best policy for sports is this:
Keep a level head; think before you react. There are consequences for actions and reactions.
Winning doesn't mean you beat everyone else. Winning means you come out of the ring, field, court, etc. feeling like you've accomplished something. And just because you didn't win doesn't mean you lost.
What goes around comes around. The person you just made fun of may just kick your ass later, because they've got a better attitude than you.
It's all about the heart. If you don't have the heart, fire, passion and spirit to do what you're doing, then stop doing it.
And lastly, never give up. Anything you thought was worth doing in the first place is always worth giving another shot. Don't ever regret anything that made you a better person. Everything makes you a better person.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Phone Contract. (Miscellaneous Ranting)
So while reading an acquittance's blog, I found that she had made her son sign a phone contract. Stating his curfew, his financial obligations and that his parents could take his phone and go through it any time they wanted. I am perfectly okay with agreements between parents and their children. I don't know HOW it went down. But I feel as if a contract should be mutual. I've had a phone since 5th grade. I'm going into 11th next year. I've never had to have a contract with my parents about it. Nor have I ever had it taken. They've never gone through it, either.
Regardless of trust, kids do things that parents wouldn't. It's that simple. As a kid, if our parents had the same technology we do, they'd understand.
Now, I'm going to take a third person stance, because I'm not sure who reads my blog. But I don't personally know anyone who is a heavy "sexter", but I know that many kids/teens do it. I also know plenty of adults do too! But parents, riddle me this. Wouldn't you rather have your child exploring sex in a text message than in a bed belonging to a member of the opposite sex? You can't get STDs or babies from texting. Chances are, if you're kid is texting about it, they're not doing it. If your kid had the guts to actually do the things they're "sexting" about, they'd be out doing it, not just talking about it.
And putting the phone up at night. *sigh* I feel as if most parents do this because they know it'll give them a chance to snipe it and go through it. This is so irritating. What's the purpose? Our parents parents couldn't just go through their kid's conversations. Granted, people actually talked to each other back then. But honestly, is that the best thing you've got to do? Instead of going through their phone, go talk to them! Be involved!
My mom and I fight sometimes, obviously. But she doesn't need to go through my phone, laptop, etc. She knows everything! She knows about my friends and my male interests and the music I like and the pictures I post on facebook. She's also aware that I'm almost 16. Yes, I say damn, shit, hell, and the occasional fuck. But guess what, so do adults!
I know many kids who've been extremely restricted their whole life. And they get out on their own, and they fall apart. They're let off the reins and don't know what to do. So they just go, with no direction. One of my close friends has very ~VERY~ controlling parents. And unknown to them, she rebels every chance she get. Just because it's the only freedom she gets.
I guess some people will never understand. If you leave your kids to figure some things out, and support them along they way, they'll turn out alright. I mean look at me, I hold down 4 jobs (stable hand, rehabbing a horse, exercising two more. Oh, and I also do office work for my parents AS WELL AS train with my horse every day) and I'm in training to become an Olympic athlete. I also have good grades, am bilingual, am in honors classes (some senior, while I should only be a junior) and I'm beginning to pick out high goals for college.
And guess what? I never signed a phone contract.
P.s. If you've restricted your kid so much that they need a phone contract, they probably won't be talking to any girls or bad influences anyway. So that should ease your mind about him doing anything dirty or inappropriate on his phone.
Regardless of trust, kids do things that parents wouldn't. It's that simple. As a kid, if our parents had the same technology we do, they'd understand.
Now, I'm going to take a third person stance, because I'm not sure who reads my blog. But I don't personally know anyone who is a heavy "sexter", but I know that many kids/teens do it. I also know plenty of adults do too! But parents, riddle me this. Wouldn't you rather have your child exploring sex in a text message than in a bed belonging to a member of the opposite sex? You can't get STDs or babies from texting. Chances are, if you're kid is texting about it, they're not doing it. If your kid had the guts to actually do the things they're "sexting" about, they'd be out doing it, not just talking about it.
And putting the phone up at night. *sigh* I feel as if most parents do this because they know it'll give them a chance to snipe it and go through it. This is so irritating. What's the purpose? Our parents parents couldn't just go through their kid's conversations. Granted, people actually talked to each other back then. But honestly, is that the best thing you've got to do? Instead of going through their phone, go talk to them! Be involved!
My mom and I fight sometimes, obviously. But she doesn't need to go through my phone, laptop, etc. She knows everything! She knows about my friends and my male interests and the music I like and the pictures I post on facebook. She's also aware that I'm almost 16. Yes, I say damn, shit, hell, and the occasional fuck. But guess what, so do adults!
I know many kids who've been extremely restricted their whole life. And they get out on their own, and they fall apart. They're let off the reins and don't know what to do. So they just go, with no direction. One of my close friends has very ~VERY~ controlling parents. And unknown to them, she rebels every chance she get. Just because it's the only freedom she gets.
I guess some people will never understand. If you leave your kids to figure some things out, and support them along they way, they'll turn out alright. I mean look at me, I hold down 4 jobs (stable hand, rehabbing a horse, exercising two more. Oh, and I also do office work for my parents AS WELL AS train with my horse every day) and I'm in training to become an Olympic athlete. I also have good grades, am bilingual, am in honors classes (some senior, while I should only be a junior) and I'm beginning to pick out high goals for college.
And guess what? I never signed a phone contract.
P.s. If you've restricted your kid so much that they need a phone contract, they probably won't be talking to any girls or bad influences anyway. So that should ease your mind about him doing anything dirty or inappropriate on his phone.
Monday, June 20, 2011
He's not worth the dirt on my brand new shoes.
It's the first day of summer. All I wanna do for the next three months is spend time with my horses (Not that that's different from the other 9 months of the year), go to bonfires and listen to country music.
But I can't help but think what's coming in a week. It'll be a year since I met him. And in that past year, I've been thrown around the world and back again. Was it worth it? Maybe. But I learned. I learned I'm better than settling for. I'm better than him. I'm better than that .
I've determined what I'll have in a guy. Sure I want a tall guy, only because I'm tall myself. A decent body, I don't expect some Abercrombie model. But general muscles are nice. I want a cowboy. One who gets up at 6 to feed his cows or pigs or whatever, and would rather be on a horse or ATV that on an XBOX. A guy who knows the value of work AND what I do. As well as one who knows respect. One who can protect me. Maybe this is all sprouting from the country music I've been jamming into my iTunes. Above all, I want a guy who can point at me from across the room, or from the granstands while I'm competing and proudly say to anyone, "That's my girl".
"I'll pour out my heart
Hold your hand in the car
Write a love song that makes you cry
Then turn right around knock some jerk to the ground
'Cause he copped a feel as you walked by"
-I'm still a guy, Brad Paisley.
Yeah, I think that sounds pretty good to me.
But I can't help but think what's coming in a week. It'll be a year since I met him. And in that past year, I've been thrown around the world and back again. Was it worth it? Maybe. But I learned. I learned I'm better than settling for. I'm better than him. I'm better than that .
I've determined what I'll have in a guy. Sure I want a tall guy, only because I'm tall myself. A decent body, I don't expect some Abercrombie model. But general muscles are nice. I want a cowboy. One who gets up at 6 to feed his cows or pigs or whatever, and would rather be on a horse or ATV that on an XBOX. A guy who knows the value of work AND what I do. As well as one who knows respect. One who can protect me. Maybe this is all sprouting from the country music I've been jamming into my iTunes. Above all, I want a guy who can point at me from across the room, or from the granstands while I'm competing and proudly say to anyone, "That's my girl".
"I'll pour out my heart
Hold your hand in the car
Write a love song that makes you cry
Then turn right around knock some jerk to the ground
'Cause he copped a feel as you walked by"
-I'm still a guy, Brad Paisley.
Yeah, I think that sounds pretty good to me.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
2 More Days
Oh, hey there blog. Long time no talk.
Three more days. I'm sitting in study hall with my hair down in shirts listening to the plain white tees, just waiting for summer.
Having freedom is one of the best things a kid could ask for. I want to run through the grass barefoot feeling the sun on my shoulders and the warm breeze in my natural hair. It's an amazing feeling. The warmth is comforting. The bright flowers sprouting all around you. It makes you hungry and satisfied all at the same time.
All that comes to my mind is smiles. Smiles make life worth it. Seeing the little kids splashing in their sprinklers, or being amazed by baby birds in the tree in their front yard. It's so exhilarating.
For me it's the beginning of show season. With my horse every day making sure he looks his best for any shows coming up. And FAIR. Oh fairs. They're fantastic. They make you gain 10 pounds just looking at them, but they're delightful.
I hate being cooped up in my room. I may start posting videos as blogs. Simply because I feel that videos versus blogs are like summer versus winter. Everything is more vivid. It allows for imagination and recognition. It's amazing how intensely the brain can pick things out if videos, without you even knowing.
Oh right... I'm still sitting in study hall. Two more days. Then, Im free.
Three more days. I'm sitting in study hall with my hair down in shirts listening to the plain white tees, just waiting for summer.
Having freedom is one of the best things a kid could ask for. I want to run through the grass barefoot feeling the sun on my shoulders and the warm breeze in my natural hair. It's an amazing feeling. The warmth is comforting. The bright flowers sprouting all around you. It makes you hungry and satisfied all at the same time.
All that comes to my mind is smiles. Smiles make life worth it. Seeing the little kids splashing in their sprinklers, or being amazed by baby birds in the tree in their front yard. It's so exhilarating.
For me it's the beginning of show season. With my horse every day making sure he looks his best for any shows coming up. And FAIR. Oh fairs. They're fantastic. They make you gain 10 pounds just looking at them, but they're delightful.
I hate being cooped up in my room. I may start posting videos as blogs. Simply because I feel that videos versus blogs are like summer versus winter. Everything is more vivid. It allows for imagination and recognition. It's amazing how intensely the brain can pick things out if videos, without you even knowing.
Oh right... I'm still sitting in study hall. Two more days. Then, Im free.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wow.
After coming down from the breakup, I'm a little less mushy gushy. I just wanna be happy. But I need to rant.
It's short and sweet. Maybe a paragraph. Or two. Anyhow..
Guys hate needy girls. We wouldn't be needy if you just gave us what we wanted. I don't ask for anything special. But I shouldn't have to initiate everything, especially physical contact. I want the guy to pull me in for kisses. I want the guy to pull my head onto his shoulder. I want him to be the active cuddler. I've never had a guy who can take the lead. That's my problem. I don't want to have to spell everything out for you. Just... DO IT.
In movies, I love when a guy will lay a girl down while climbing on her and kissing her. It's so cute. Or when they pull the girl down to them. Or pull them into them. Or pull them up to kiss. I mean, so many small things. But that's the gist of what I had to rant about. Cya when I have time to blog again. I'm so busy! Ahhh!
It's short and sweet. Maybe a paragraph. Or two. Anyhow..
Guys hate needy girls. We wouldn't be needy if you just gave us what we wanted. I don't ask for anything special. But I shouldn't have to initiate everything, especially physical contact. I want the guy to pull me in for kisses. I want the guy to pull my head onto his shoulder. I want him to be the active cuddler. I've never had a guy who can take the lead. That's my problem. I don't want to have to spell everything out for you. Just... DO IT.
In movies, I love when a guy will lay a girl down while climbing on her and kissing her. It's so cute. Or when they pull the girl down to them. Or pull them into them. Or pull them up to kiss. I mean, so many small things. But that's the gist of what I had to rant about. Cya when I have time to blog again. I'm so busy! Ahhh!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Why I Ride.
This is a tought moment in my life. I could be losing the person I care about more than anyone. I'm more in love than I've ever been. Ever.
Is it healthy? Probably not. But if I lose him, I'll have lost everything. Except one thing. My horses.
This is why I ride.
I wish I'd never met him, because then he'd never hurt me. But at the same time, it's been worth all of the laughs, and dreams, and wishes.
Riding turns I wish, into I am. I wished to be something. I am. I wished to be great. And I am.
He made me feel beautiful, but also had me constantly fretting about myself.
Riding gives me wings. Riding gives me the power and push to succeed. It makes me not give a fuck what anyone else has to say. Because it doesn't matter how I look. I'm good, and I know it. My competition doesn't matter, because it's just me and my horse. That's all.
He tries to accept me all the time. But he can only do it for so long.
My horse accepts me at 5 am when I look like hell or when I'm in the worst mood possible. He'll put me in my place, but love me unconditionally.
He wants to run away. He feels stressed and nothing can help.
My horse comes to me everyday in the pasture with his ears perked waiting for his carrot. And he's never ran away and not come back. Because he knows who loves him.
He doubts our future. He doesn't know where we'll be. He says he wants forever. But he can't promise that.
I jump 2'6". But my horse looks at the 4' jumps with his ears perked and head up like he's saying "we'll get there someday Jordy, I'll take you I promise"
Boys are clueless. Even if I spell it out, sometimes he just doesn't know.
With my horse, there's no secrets. He knows. I went into his stall about to cry and put my head into his shoulder and he turned around and hugged me with his neck and nuzzled me.
My boyfriend is such a sweetie. I love him more than he knows. And I'll feel incredibly stupid if i lose him.
I've had my bouts with bad shows, coming home with nothing. Not placing, getting DQd. Plenty of them. But no matter how bad the show is, my horse still looks at me the next day like "what are we doing next? I'm pumped let's go!" and willingly does what I ask.
My boyfriend is constantly pressures to do things that I don't approve of, and I do it because I care about him. But it causes him stress.
My horse loves what I do for him. I'm sure he'd rather be rolling around in the mud. But I know that he knows when he looks good. And I'm sure he'd rather be running with his friends in the pasture, but when I get him in the arena, he's locked and loaded. He takes whatever I put in front of him with no questions asked.
If I could go back in time, I'd have never met this boy. But now that I have, I want everything to be perfect.
Of all the money and time I've spent on my horse, he's never hurt me. He's always there for me and he never lets me down. I don't regret anything I've done with him.
I'm at a loss right now with my boyfriend. I don't know what to do to make our lives better.
I always know what my horse wants. And that's no question.
I wish I was cut off from the world. It would just be me, and my horse. That's all I've ever wanted.
I supplement my life with a boyfriend because I feel that human interaction is probably normal and that I love him more than anything.
I supplement my horse because I know it makes him perform at his top potential.
I could go on forever. But bottom line is, I wish I could go back and do things differently with my human love. But my horse love is set and stone, and that'll be forever.
Is it healthy? Probably not. But if I lose him, I'll have lost everything. Except one thing. My horses.
This is why I ride.
I wish I'd never met him, because then he'd never hurt me. But at the same time, it's been worth all of the laughs, and dreams, and wishes.
Riding turns I wish, into I am. I wished to be something. I am. I wished to be great. And I am.
He made me feel beautiful, but also had me constantly fretting about myself.
Riding gives me wings. Riding gives me the power and push to succeed. It makes me not give a fuck what anyone else has to say. Because it doesn't matter how I look. I'm good, and I know it. My competition doesn't matter, because it's just me and my horse. That's all.
He tries to accept me all the time. But he can only do it for so long.
My horse accepts me at 5 am when I look like hell or when I'm in the worst mood possible. He'll put me in my place, but love me unconditionally.
He wants to run away. He feels stressed and nothing can help.
My horse comes to me everyday in the pasture with his ears perked waiting for his carrot. And he's never ran away and not come back. Because he knows who loves him.
He doubts our future. He doesn't know where we'll be. He says he wants forever. But he can't promise that.
I jump 2'6". But my horse looks at the 4' jumps with his ears perked and head up like he's saying "we'll get there someday Jordy, I'll take you I promise"
Boys are clueless. Even if I spell it out, sometimes he just doesn't know.
With my horse, there's no secrets. He knows. I went into his stall about to cry and put my head into his shoulder and he turned around and hugged me with his neck and nuzzled me.
My boyfriend is such a sweetie. I love him more than he knows. And I'll feel incredibly stupid if i lose him.
I've had my bouts with bad shows, coming home with nothing. Not placing, getting DQd. Plenty of them. But no matter how bad the show is, my horse still looks at me the next day like "what are we doing next? I'm pumped let's go!" and willingly does what I ask.
My boyfriend is constantly pressures to do things that I don't approve of, and I do it because I care about him. But it causes him stress.
My horse loves what I do for him. I'm sure he'd rather be rolling around in the mud. But I know that he knows when he looks good. And I'm sure he'd rather be running with his friends in the pasture, but when I get him in the arena, he's locked and loaded. He takes whatever I put in front of him with no questions asked.
If I could go back in time, I'd have never met this boy. But now that I have, I want everything to be perfect.
Of all the money and time I've spent on my horse, he's never hurt me. He's always there for me and he never lets me down. I don't regret anything I've done with him.
I'm at a loss right now with my boyfriend. I don't know what to do to make our lives better.
I always know what my horse wants. And that's no question.
I wish I was cut off from the world. It would just be me, and my horse. That's all I've ever wanted.
I supplement my life with a boyfriend because I feel that human interaction is probably normal and that I love him more than anything.
I supplement my horse because I know it makes him perform at his top potential.
I could go on forever. But bottom line is, I wish I could go back and do things differently with my human love. But my horse love is set and stone, and that'll be forever.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
What I don't like about myself.
I'm a teenage girl. I hate things about myself. It doesn't matter how bad I think I want to not give a shit about what others think, because in the end I give into it anyway.
-I want to be skinnier. Much skinnier.
-I want an entirely different face. My chin is too small and my cheeks and jaws are too big. I hate my forehead and my eyes are hideous.
-I want to be smaller. Who wants a 6' tall solid girl?
-I want to be a dancer again.
-I want to be tanner.
-I want a prettier smile.
-I want to be smarter.
-I want to not have 493094839 chins.
-I want a smaller nose.
-I want a non-obnoxious laugh.
-I want prettier hair.
-I want to be the girl that everyone thinks is gorgeous. All of the time.
I love my boyfriend so much, but since we've been dating, I'm constantly worrying about how I look. I met him with wet hair and no makeup looking like a hippo in a too small bikini. And he loved me then. But since last night, I feel like things are different. Last night I was all dressed up, and had tons of pictures taken of me. I hate all of them. I look hideous. I just don't know what to do. I feel so pulled apart. I love him more than anything, and I just wish I could be sure that he doesn't look at other girls thinking "she's hotter than my girlfriend." Because regardless of what he looks like, I think he's the best looking guy in the world. Inside and out.
-I want to be skinnier. Much skinnier.
-I want an entirely different face. My chin is too small and my cheeks and jaws are too big. I hate my forehead and my eyes are hideous.
-I want to be smaller. Who wants a 6' tall solid girl?
-I want to be a dancer again.
-I want to be tanner.
-I want a prettier smile.
-I want to be smarter.
-I want to not have 493094839 chins.
-I want a smaller nose.
-I want a non-obnoxious laugh.
-I want prettier hair.
-I want to be the girl that everyone thinks is gorgeous. All of the time.
I love my boyfriend so much, but since we've been dating, I'm constantly worrying about how I look. I met him with wet hair and no makeup looking like a hippo in a too small bikini. And he loved me then. But since last night, I feel like things are different. Last night I was all dressed up, and had tons of pictures taken of me. I hate all of them. I look hideous. I just don't know what to do. I feel so pulled apart. I love him more than anything, and I just wish I could be sure that he doesn't look at other girls thinking "she's hotter than my girlfriend." Because regardless of what he looks like, I think he's the best looking guy in the world. Inside and out.
Friday, April 29, 2011
(insert cliche statement about being torn between two people here)
When women are pissy, guys assume one thing - PMS. It's not always the case, though. Guys piss us off. Alot. And we (women) really don't ask that much of you (men).
In the midst of all of my everyday stress, this prom thing has become such a big deal.
Believe it or not, I'm a pretty laid back person. Sure I have my moments, but otherwise I'm chill. My mom on the other hand is chronically pissed about one matter or another. And she has so many agitating habits. Like when she uses her phone and drives. Or when she calls me just to blab about something I couldn't care less about. Or sends long pointless texts with annoying punctuation. But she is so not a "go with the flow" type person, schedule wise.
Prom is one week away from today. I have no idea what the plans are. Which it kind of peeves me that my boyfriend doesn't know what's going on, but it's caused her to be ticked for the past week.
I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. I love my boyfriend very much and I don't want him to get scared away by my constant harping for info, but at the same time, I'm driving 800 miles for prom. I deserve a little info in return. And on the other hand, my mom is a bit controlling. But I also have to live with her and my ability to go to prom is 100% dependent on her. But that shouldn't give her the right to threaten me with it and be constantly pissed off.
Bottom line is, if it comes to choosing between my mothers side and my boyfriend's side, I'm going straight into his arms. Because he doesn't piss me off as frequently as she does.
"Cause I was born to tell you I love you, and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine, Stay with me tonight" -your call, secondhand serenade
In the midst of all of my everyday stress, this prom thing has become such a big deal.
Believe it or not, I'm a pretty laid back person. Sure I have my moments, but otherwise I'm chill. My mom on the other hand is chronically pissed about one matter or another. And she has so many agitating habits. Like when she uses her phone and drives. Or when she calls me just to blab about something I couldn't care less about. Or sends long pointless texts with annoying punctuation. But she is so not a "go with the flow" type person, schedule wise.
Prom is one week away from today. I have no idea what the plans are. Which it kind of peeves me that my boyfriend doesn't know what's going on, but it's caused her to be ticked for the past week.
I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. I love my boyfriend very much and I don't want him to get scared away by my constant harping for info, but at the same time, I'm driving 800 miles for prom. I deserve a little info in return. And on the other hand, my mom is a bit controlling. But I also have to live with her and my ability to go to prom is 100% dependent on her. But that shouldn't give her the right to threaten me with it and be constantly pissed off.
Bottom line is, if it comes to choosing between my mothers side and my boyfriend's side, I'm going straight into his arms. Because he doesn't piss me off as frequently as she does.
"Cause I was born to tell you I love you, and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine, Stay with me tonight" -your call, secondhand serenade
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Fuck you, society.
"Eight horses — including one just a week old and another on the verge of giving birth — died in an Ohio barn fire that authorities may investigate as a hate crime... Ohio resident Brent Whitehouse awoke just before midnight on Easter Sunday to check on Love, his pregnant quaterhorse, only to find a harrowing scene: his barn — which housed seven adult horses and one foal — was glowing orange... 'I couldn’t get the door open I could still hear the horses kicking and I tried as hard as I could to get them out and I just couldn’t get them out in time.' The flames were so hot a tractor inside the barn melted.... spray-painted epithets such as "f-gs are freaks" and "burn in hell" were clearly visible on the barn's gutted walls. The State Fire Marshal's Office ruled the fire an arson. 'The barn I can rebuild, but the bond I had with those horses can't be replaced,'" (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/42779335/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts)
I awoke on my sick day to check the MSN top stories, as usual. And this story made me even sicker. A homosexual man from my home state wasn't the only victim of this hate crime. His 8 horses - 7 grown, 1 foal, were burned alive in their barn. And he couldn't get them out.
This story doesn't just break my heart because I'm a horse lover. Or because I'm a liberal. Or because I'm pro-gay. It breaks my heart because the society we live in is so corrupt.
Yes, I'm a liberal. I'm not a liberal because of my personal beliefs, I'm a liberal because it's not my place to decide what's best for you.
I'm far from a 100% full blooded American, but I have to say I lean to the patriot side - partially. I feel as though our country was founded on the idea that every man is created equal. Granted, when the constitution was written, slaves didn't count as humans, and women weren't too far behind. The first pilgrims came to settle in America to avoid religious persecution. So, if that's why we're all here, why are people still fretting about religion?
I'm an atheist. But, that doesn't make me some devil-worshipper. Websters defines Atheist as "one who believes that there is no deity." Which is precisely correct. I believe that as living things, we're all connected through a central source of unstopping energy. I also believe that we all have a destiny, but we also have free will to control our destiny, if we choose to. I choose to not rely on a deity. Not because I hate religion or the idea of a God, Allah, etc. But because I choose not to make religion a part of my life. During the Enlightenment, many thinkers believed that if there is a God, then He is supposed to love all of his "children". They also believed that it's better to live your life on Earth while you have the chance. And, if you aren't aware of what is considered a "sin", you won't be as concerned about it. You'll trust your own instinct to reverse the wrong done in your life. And if you don't, God must have not guided you right. I mean that is his job, right? I feel like religion is all hypocrisy - as I believe about government - but if someone chooses to buy into it and take that brainwashing to make themselves feel better about themselves and that they have some purpose in life, that's their choice. And it's not my place to tell them otherwise. I believe that it's your job to find your purpose in love. There isn't one carved out for you and it isn't going to be handed to you. Some people go their entire lives without purpose, but when their energy is release back into the world after their body shuts down, they'll get another chance to find one. It's a never ending cycle.
To societal connotations, I'm straight. I don't wish to have a relationship with someone of the same sex. I prefer a partner of the opposite sex. That doesn't mean that I hate homosexuals or bisexuals or transgendered, etc. I think that sex and relationships are a choice in life. Just because most people choose to have a partner of the opposite sex doesn't mean EVERYONE has to. It's your choice.
Overall my liberalism... liberality... liberal-ness... whatever, has gotten me places in life. My mom lets me explore anything. Because I'm smart enough to end up in the right place. She made a good point to me. She said, "I don't want to go to my church anymore, because they're such hypocrites. They don't allow homosexuals, but our pastor is a drug addict. Because a drug addict can be 'fixed', a homosexual can't. If it isn't broken, don't fix it. Homosexuals aren't broken, so don't try to fix them. Just get your head our of your a** and accept them for who they are." That's one reason I'm so happy in my life. Because I'm a free spirit. Sure I have restrictions. But at the same time, I have the ability to chose my destiny.
I could ponder the violence of our species all day, but I have my own horses that need some TLC. And if anyone tries to come in the way of that, they will regret it.
"I don't care if you're black, white, straight, bisexual, gay, lesbian, short, tall, fat, skinny, rich or poor. If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. Simple as that" - Eminem
Saturday, April 23, 2011
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.
I'm really not into chick-flicks. Honestly. But this movie got me in a few parts. Why can't guys just act normal?
The scene in which they're in the bathroom and they're all wet from.. I'm not sure what because I missed the part before it. And they get all romantic, but not in the disgusting sucking face sex kind of way. I liked it. It actually looked like love.
I heard a quote once, "A guy falls in love with a woman hoping she'll never change. A woman falls in love with a man hoping to change him completely."
Also, the song "I'm still a guy" by Toby Keith( who I saw in concert, which was AMAZING) displays this quite well.
I don't expect the guy I love to become some extremely romantic fabio-esque creature. But I do know that they're capable of being civilized.
My guy is getting there. I don't want him to change to make me happy. I want us to both change so that we fit together like to perfect parts of a mold. And so we can be happy together.
It dawned on me the other day, he's getting there.
To most guys, including one of my best friend's boyfriends, ( I mean that as in one of my best friends, not one of her boyfriends, she only has one) things like periods, etc are taboo. Not to my guy. When you're guy can ask you nonchalantly if you're "still on your period" on the phone while with his friends, you got the right one. But only in certain context.
Conversation Example #1:
Girl: I love you :)
Boy: ya ily2
Girl: What's your problem? I don't get why you do that to me!
Boy: God, are you on your period or something?
Conversation Example #2:
Boy: What's up babe
Girl: Nothing
Boy: Are you okay?
Girl: I'm fine
Boy: Baby what's wrong?
Girl: I'm hurting, really bad.
Boy: Awh baby still on your period? I'm sorry.
Convo #1 is the douchey way to say "bitch". And girls have mood swings, deal with it. Don't pull the period card on that one. Convo #2 is a guy being sensitive enough to know what's wrong with his girl. It's even more attractive when he figures out when you're on your period, so he can know without you having to tell him.
I could tell that when my guy asked, he was bit hesitant. But I think he's getting there. I know he will. He always wants me to know that he loves me. And I know he does. I'll never forget it <3
The scene in which they're in the bathroom and they're all wet from.. I'm not sure what because I missed the part before it. And they get all romantic, but not in the disgusting sucking face sex kind of way. I liked it. It actually looked like love.
I heard a quote once, "A guy falls in love with a woman hoping she'll never change. A woman falls in love with a man hoping to change him completely."
Also, the song "I'm still a guy" by Toby Keith( who I saw in concert, which was AMAZING) displays this quite well.
I don't expect the guy I love to become some extremely romantic fabio-esque creature. But I do know that they're capable of being civilized.
My guy is getting there. I don't want him to change to make me happy. I want us to both change so that we fit together like to perfect parts of a mold. And so we can be happy together.
It dawned on me the other day, he's getting there.
To most guys, including one of my best friend's boyfriends, ( I mean that as in one of my best friends, not one of her boyfriends, she only has one) things like periods, etc are taboo. Not to my guy. When you're guy can ask you nonchalantly if you're "still on your period" on the phone while with his friends, you got the right one. But only in certain context.
Conversation Example #1:
Girl: I love you :)
Boy: ya ily2
Girl: What's your problem? I don't get why you do that to me!
Boy: God, are you on your period or something?
Conversation Example #2:
Boy: What's up babe
Girl: Nothing
Boy: Are you okay?
Girl: I'm fine
Boy: Baby what's wrong?
Girl: I'm hurting, really bad.
Boy: Awh baby still on your period? I'm sorry.
Convo #1 is the douchey way to say "bitch". And girls have mood swings, deal with it. Don't pull the period card on that one. Convo #2 is a guy being sensitive enough to know what's wrong with his girl. It's even more attractive when he figures out when you're on your period, so he can know without you having to tell him.
I could tell that when my guy asked, he was bit hesitant. But I think he's getting there. I know he will. He always wants me to know that he loves me. And I know he does. I'll never forget it <3
Grindslowdancejumpmoshwhaaaa?
13 days until prom. Yes, I'm counting. And I'm such a mix of emotions. It's insane. I'm so excited.
Hair, makeup, nails, dresses, tickets, flowers, parties and ever so much more.
It's all this big rush. i don't think it's the actual event. It's because it'll be the first dance I've ever gone to with a guy that I legitimately love.
Also, making all of these plans are nuts. It's like a mini-wedding.
I've also been thinking, "shit, I'm a terrible dancer."
Of course, I can grind. I mean, I've been riding horses for 9 years, I should be able to at least move my hips.
And slow dancing, well that's easy. it's not like people actually dance. It's just my arms around his neck and his arms around my waist. Swaying back and forth. And if he gets romantic he'll tilt my chin up and kiss me, or kiss my cheek.
Then there's that jumping thing that everyone does to fast paced songs. Which I absolutely abhor. Plus, it'll be quite awkward in my dress.
And moshing. Well, that's just not right.
And there's those awkward songs, to which you cannot dance. And they're so... awkward. For example..
Kiss Kiss - Chris Brown
Marry you - Bruno Mars
Drops of Jupiter - Train
Hold my Hand - Akon and MJ
The Lazy Song - Bruno Mars
Billionaire - Travis McCoy
Forget You - Cee Lo Green
And so many more. Honestly, what are you supposed to do? I'm at an extreme loss.
But more importantly, this will be the first time where I am positive we will have nonstop fun. I'm gonna be pissed when it's over.
062710 <3
Hair, makeup, nails, dresses, tickets, flowers, parties and ever so much more.
It's all this big rush. i don't think it's the actual event. It's because it'll be the first dance I've ever gone to with a guy that I legitimately love.
Also, making all of these plans are nuts. It's like a mini-wedding.
I've also been thinking, "shit, I'm a terrible dancer."
Of course, I can grind. I mean, I've been riding horses for 9 years, I should be able to at least move my hips.
And slow dancing, well that's easy. it's not like people actually dance. It's just my arms around his neck and his arms around my waist. Swaying back and forth. And if he gets romantic he'll tilt my chin up and kiss me, or kiss my cheek.
Then there's that jumping thing that everyone does to fast paced songs. Which I absolutely abhor. Plus, it'll be quite awkward in my dress.
And moshing. Well, that's just not right.
And there's those awkward songs, to which you cannot dance. And they're so... awkward. For example..
Kiss Kiss - Chris Brown
Marry you - Bruno Mars
Drops of Jupiter - Train
Hold my Hand - Akon and MJ
The Lazy Song - Bruno Mars
Billionaire - Travis McCoy
Forget You - Cee Lo Green
And so many more. Honestly, what are you supposed to do? I'm at an extreme loss.
But more importantly, this will be the first time where I am positive we will have nonstop fun. I'm gonna be pissed when it's over.
062710 <3
Thursday, April 7, 2011
We're the biggest kid at fat camp who just can't resist the cupcakes.
I'm terrible with analogies today. This one isn't pretty, but it makes sense. Well, that is, if you can see from the mind of a fat kid. I can.
Think about all of those reality shows on TV about getting in shape. All these people wanted there whoooooooole life was to get in shape. And then when they got the chance to be on said show it was a once in a lifetime chance. But throughout the experience they have so many fallbacks. They think about quitting. Giving up. Going home. Going back to their shitty life because maybe there's one chance that it'll be easier. The reward at the end doesn't seem worth it. Until they come close to leaving. Then they know. It's worth staying. They don't know what the hell they're in for, but they're willing to ride it out.
I never expected to meet him. I expected to stop that day with my boring family and just get through the night swimming, then listening to my ipod just awaiting the rest of the drive back to my own bed. Then all of a sudden it took a turn for the best. I met him there. Just sitting by a pool, casually as ever, discussing away our lives as if we went way back.
From that point on I tried to plan. Plan everything about our future together. And it caused fights. School dances, college, every little thing caused a fight. But when we're together, we don't worry about anything else in the world. We don't even worry about now, we enjoy it. We savour it. We love it. It's the most amazing thing ever.
I always said that I tried to plan because I didn't want to lose him, and I especially didn't want it to be a suprise. I was trying to protect myself.
I understand now how people can give up everything for their kids. I'd give up everything for him. I'd give up my sanity and happiness in the future if it means I get to love him now.
I wish I could get him to forgive me. To understand where I'm coming from. I'm going to college for 8 years or so. I can't be away from him for that long.
I can wish as much as I want. But it won't change anything. I love him, and I'll be here when he wants me. Because I know he does. I know he loves me. He's just reaching a breaking point. And it's okay. Because I pushed him to it, which isn't okay. I don't mean to fight. I don't mean to jump on him like I do. I'm trying to change for him. I'm trying to make him happy. I'm learning. It's jut a slow process.
We're going to get married. We're going to live happily ever after. The trail ahead of us is just going to be a tough one to blaze. But we have each other. And we always will. No matter how many miles are in between us.
I need to stop watching Biggest Loser... Biggest analogy fail ever.
Think about all of those reality shows on TV about getting in shape. All these people wanted there whoooooooole life was to get in shape. And then when they got the chance to be on said show it was a once in a lifetime chance. But throughout the experience they have so many fallbacks. They think about quitting. Giving up. Going home. Going back to their shitty life because maybe there's one chance that it'll be easier. The reward at the end doesn't seem worth it. Until they come close to leaving. Then they know. It's worth staying. They don't know what the hell they're in for, but they're willing to ride it out.
I never expected to meet him. I expected to stop that day with my boring family and just get through the night swimming, then listening to my ipod just awaiting the rest of the drive back to my own bed. Then all of a sudden it took a turn for the best. I met him there. Just sitting by a pool, casually as ever, discussing away our lives as if we went way back.
From that point on I tried to plan. Plan everything about our future together. And it caused fights. School dances, college, every little thing caused a fight. But when we're together, we don't worry about anything else in the world. We don't even worry about now, we enjoy it. We savour it. We love it. It's the most amazing thing ever.
I always said that I tried to plan because I didn't want to lose him, and I especially didn't want it to be a suprise. I was trying to protect myself.
I understand now how people can give up everything for their kids. I'd give up everything for him. I'd give up my sanity and happiness in the future if it means I get to love him now.
I wish I could get him to forgive me. To understand where I'm coming from. I'm going to college for 8 years or so. I can't be away from him for that long.
I can wish as much as I want. But it won't change anything. I love him, and I'll be here when he wants me. Because I know he does. I know he loves me. He's just reaching a breaking point. And it's okay. Because I pushed him to it, which isn't okay. I don't mean to fight. I don't mean to jump on him like I do. I'm trying to change for him. I'm trying to make him happy. I'm learning. It's jut a slow process.
We're going to get married. We're going to live happily ever after. The trail ahead of us is just going to be a tough one to blaze. But we have each other. And we always will. No matter how many miles are in between us.
I need to stop watching Biggest Loser... Biggest analogy fail ever.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Opinion: Envy
I've got three offshoot stories for this one, because there's three ways envy works. First off is what I call competitive encouragement. Second is that bitchy kind of jealous that turns people green. Then there's the third; misinterpreted jealousy.
Competitive Encouragement.
I've been in extreme competitive sports all of my life; dancing, gymnastics, swimming, snowboarding and riding. And there's one thing that you have to accept to be good at any of them. There's always going to be someone better than you, no matter what. This past October, I got the once in a lifetime chance to go to the World Equestrian Games in Kentucky. For a horse person, this is it. This is where you want to ride. Better than the Rolex Three Day or The Olympics or McClay or anything. This one place right here can make or break you. I saw all of those riders. They made me look like a little kid on a quarter-for-a-ride pony. But I didn't hate on them. I LOVED them. I envy where they are. But I respect them for it. They are the ones who push me to be better. No, I don't want to be like them. Because no one should ever make you feel like you want to be someone else, but I want to have their respect like they have mine. I want to make the best BETTER.
Being Green; and not the Eco-friendly way.
About a month ago I got a new job as a stable hand at a hunter-jumper barn. If you ride horses you know that the rivalry between hunter-jumpers and eventers is huge. And yes, I'm an eventer. After two weeks on the job I was granted privileges to start training my boss's ex-racehorse, as well as start riding a boarders horse. It was insane. How did I get these privileges? Well, because I'm nice to people, and I know what I'm doing. But there's a stable hand who also works there who isn't so nice. I'm always polite to people when I meet them. But the first thing she ever said to me was through yelling and in a condescending manner. She didn't agree with something I'd done. Which I understand, we're all different. Like my family says; you're entitled to your opinion, even when it's wrong. But the point is, I think it's jealousy. Because when I was riding and loving the boarders horse, she glared at me. The entire time. I couldn't believe it! I worry sometimes about how much I say on here, because I never know who reads it. but at the same time, it's all true.
Misinterpretation.
A few days ago, my boyfriend asked me the most painful question I've heard in a long time. We were planning for an amazing prom night together. But now he wants to go to a different prom with someone else a different weekend with his "friend". He claimed she just had a bad breakup and was trying to be a good friend. If she was a good friend, shed know he had a girlfriend and wouldn't expect him to go with her. Whatever. But the point is, everyone I talked to thought I was jealous. I'm not jealous of her at all. I know he loves me. She doesn't matter. I was mad that he'd even think about diminishing the importance of OUR prom night. Also, jealousy is sometimes used to describe your feelings when you aren't fond of someone else. Just because you don't like someone that may have something (or someone) that you don't , doesn't mean that you're jealous of them.
I end with this; jealousy tears people apart. But when it gets in your way, just remember that there are so many different kinds of jealousy, and you cannot simply jump to conclusions.
Competitive Encouragement.
I've been in extreme competitive sports all of my life; dancing, gymnastics, swimming, snowboarding and riding. And there's one thing that you have to accept to be good at any of them. There's always going to be someone better than you, no matter what. This past October, I got the once in a lifetime chance to go to the World Equestrian Games in Kentucky. For a horse person, this is it. This is where you want to ride. Better than the Rolex Three Day or The Olympics or McClay or anything. This one place right here can make or break you. I saw all of those riders. They made me look like a little kid on a quarter-for-a-ride pony. But I didn't hate on them. I LOVED them. I envy where they are. But I respect them for it. They are the ones who push me to be better. No, I don't want to be like them. Because no one should ever make you feel like you want to be someone else, but I want to have their respect like they have mine. I want to make the best BETTER.
Being Green; and not the Eco-friendly way.
About a month ago I got a new job as a stable hand at a hunter-jumper barn. If you ride horses you know that the rivalry between hunter-jumpers and eventers is huge. And yes, I'm an eventer. After two weeks on the job I was granted privileges to start training my boss's ex-racehorse, as well as start riding a boarders horse. It was insane. How did I get these privileges? Well, because I'm nice to people, and I know what I'm doing. But there's a stable hand who also works there who isn't so nice. I'm always polite to people when I meet them. But the first thing she ever said to me was through yelling and in a condescending manner. She didn't agree with something I'd done. Which I understand, we're all different. Like my family says; you're entitled to your opinion, even when it's wrong. But the point is, I think it's jealousy. Because when I was riding and loving the boarders horse, she glared at me. The entire time. I couldn't believe it! I worry sometimes about how much I say on here, because I never know who reads it. but at the same time, it's all true.
Misinterpretation.
A few days ago, my boyfriend asked me the most painful question I've heard in a long time. We were planning for an amazing prom night together. But now he wants to go to a different prom with someone else a different weekend with his "friend". He claimed she just had a bad breakup and was trying to be a good friend. If she was a good friend, shed know he had a girlfriend and wouldn't expect him to go with her. Whatever. But the point is, everyone I talked to thought I was jealous. I'm not jealous of her at all. I know he loves me. She doesn't matter. I was mad that he'd even think about diminishing the importance of OUR prom night. Also, jealousy is sometimes used to describe your feelings when you aren't fond of someone else. Just because you don't like someone that may have something (or someone) that you don't , doesn't mean that you're jealous of them.
I end with this; jealousy tears people apart. But when it gets in your way, just remember that there are so many different kinds of jealousy, and you cannot simply jump to conclusions.
Monday, April 4, 2011
100 things about the guy I love.
100 things about the guy I love.
1. He has the prettiest greenish/grey eyes I've ever seen.
2. He's like 6'4 and makes me feel less huge.
3. If his body wasn't so dumb, he'd be fighting MMA.
4. He's amazing at guitar.
5. He loves shamrock shakes from McDonald's .
6. His friends are slightly nuts but extremely nice to me.
7. He'd rather fall asleep to screamo music than silence.
8. He hates that I make him shave.
9. He loves me in glasses.
10. He's never been on a horse.
11. He's super smart and makes me feel like I have the IQ of an acorn.
12. He lives at the fair during the summer.
13. He wants to go to Italy.
14. He's one of the few people that I can tolerate being religious.
15. Only boyscout I've ever dated. That's all I'm saying about that one.
16. He drives his moms ford escape... and not very well either.
17. He likes to freak me out on his four wheeler because he likes to make me scream and hold on to him tighter.
18. He's trying so hard to get me to like his music.
19. He wants me to go to warped tour this summer, since I couldn't go last year.
20. I think he'd rather see me in super tight jeans or short shorts as opposed to the sweatpants I always resort to when hanging out with him.
21. He gave up something for me, even though it was super hard for him.
22. He makes me the proudest girlfriend in the world.
23. He likes the sound of his last name coming after mine.
24. He wants to eat dinner with me at night time in Italy while I'm wearing some kind of fancy flowy dress.
25. He wishes I'd send him pictures more often.
26. He likes the cakes his meemaw makes.
27. He likes when I lay on his chest
28. We can be perfectly entertained walking through the woods with me.
29. He looks funny in a go cart.
30. He thinks he's stronger than me... we'll see about that(;
31. He could probably drink nothing but peace tea for the rest of his life.
32. He goes to the smallest school I've ever seen and knows everyone in it.
33. He makes me want to have kids someday, just because I think he'll make a great daddy. (but NOT anytime soon)
34. His most common response to questions begin with "Pshh, uhm..."
35. He built a treehouse.
36. He looks adorable in baseball hats.
36.5 I think he'd be an adorable baseball player.
36.75 except he looks funny when he runs.
36.9 I've only ever seen him run once, after his dog.
37. On June 27 2010 he told me he hates the birthmark on his right arm and wants to get a tattoo over it. If he does, I'll kill him.
38. I distinctly remember his white tshirt with the monster M in the middle of the chest.
39. He hates that I speak Spanish to him because he doesn't understand 90% of it.
40. He would have gone to homecoming with me in a heartbeat.
41. He looks adorable dressed up.
42. I never know what to get him for birthdays, Christmas, etc. He's the hardest guy in the world to shop for.
43. He always forgets to call me, but the poor kid will listen to me babble for hours and still get something out of it.
44. He distinctly remembered me saying I wanted a monkey, so he bought me one. I sleep with it every night.
45. I stole his hoodie on labor day weekend of 2010 and I still wear it or sleep with it almost every night.
50. He'll drink a vanilla cappuccino from starbucks.
51. He WILL sneak up on you when you're on an escalator and scare you.
52. The only reason I wouldn't go to a concert with him is because i wouldn't know what to do or how to dance to the music.
52.5. I really can't just dance to music. I can grind. kinda. that's about it. And I'm scared to death for prom with him.
53. He's so inexperienced in relationships and messes up all the time, but I love him too much to not forgive him.
54. I hate seeing him cry.
55. I hate that I'm the one who made him cry.
56. When we broke up for a while, I absolutely despised his girlfriend.
57. I've only ever made him call me once when I was crying my eyes out, because I think he'd be exceptionally annoyed with me otherwise.
58. He taught me to play ninja.
59. He once made me laugh by blasting brown eyed girl. I laugh everytime I hear that song.
60. I'm so glad we don't go to the same school, because we never would've found each other.
61. He's so out of my league. He wouldn't even know that I existed if we had met anywhere other than on vacation.
62. I've never seen a boys eyes sparkle as much as his did the first time we talked.
63. I don't think he'd care if I can't get any skinnier.
64. He's terrible at maintaining a blog.
65. I'm glad my friend didn't come with me on vacation, because he so would have picked her.
66. I thought he was a douchebag when I first saw him. But an attractive one.
67. I think he sleeps in his basement more than his room.
68. His bed is tiny.
69. He's the only guy I know who's room is basically always clean.
70. I was jealous of his best female friend for the longest friend.
71. He hates a lot of people at his school.
72. I don't know his favorite color.
73. I also don't know his favorite food. But I think he'd eat just about anything.
74. I like when he wears a watch and a nice shirt. It's classy.
75. He smells amazing.
76. I drench his hoodie in his cologne because it's the only thing that relaxes me enough to put me to sleep - except for his voice an touch.
77. I think he wants this huge traditional church wedding. I hate the idea.
78. He looks best with short hair.
79. His hair has the weirdest part down the middle.
80. He has Penn state pants and a hoodie. that I hate
81. He's the only guy I know who would get into a football game with me.
82. He's the only guy I know who's never used a girl.
83. He's been my longest "relationship". Almost 10 months.
84. We've never had an official "date".
85. He wears this super funky camo moccasin things..
86. He wants his band to practice more and really take off.
87. I think he totally supports all of my dreams.
88. He's ticklish on his ribs.
89. He was my best first kiss.
90. He hates spelling things out in texts, and rarely puts an I before love you.
91. He's gonna have to learn to make damn good spaghetti if he wants to live with me.
92. If I could change one thing about him, I'd make his back and everything all better. Even if I had to take the pain onto myself.
93. He has some kind of bird suit in his closet that freaks me out.
94. If you try to run away, he'll flip you upside down over his shoulder and not let you down.
95. He pulls his pants up by the pockets before he sits down.
96. He could watch the history channel. all day.
96.5 he'd most likely take a break to watch 300.
97. He's an amazing kisser.
98. He has far from soft hands, thanks to a) he's a guy and b) he plays guitar & bass.
99. It's uber hard to tell when he's "in the mood" or not.
100. He's more than just the guy I love. He's amazing. I want to marry him and I want him to be a part of everything I do in my entire life. he's more than a boyfriend. He's my best friend.
1. He has the prettiest greenish/grey eyes I've ever seen.
2. He's like 6'4 and makes me feel less huge.
3. If his body wasn't so dumb, he'd be fighting MMA.
4. He's amazing at guitar.
5. He loves shamrock shakes from McDonald's .
6. His friends are slightly nuts but extremely nice to me.
7. He'd rather fall asleep to screamo music than silence.
8. He hates that I make him shave.
9. He loves me in glasses.
10. He's never been on a horse.
11. He's super smart and makes me feel like I have the IQ of an acorn.
12. He lives at the fair during the summer.
13. He wants to go to Italy.
14. He's one of the few people that I can tolerate being religious.
15. Only boyscout I've ever dated. That's all I'm saying about that one.
16. He drives his moms ford escape... and not very well either.
17. He likes to freak me out on his four wheeler because he likes to make me scream and hold on to him tighter.
18. He's trying so hard to get me to like his music.
19. He wants me to go to warped tour this summer, since I couldn't go last year.
20. I think he'd rather see me in super tight jeans or short shorts as opposed to the sweatpants I always resort to when hanging out with him.
21. He gave up something for me, even though it was super hard for him.
22. He makes me the proudest girlfriend in the world.
23. He likes the sound of his last name coming after mine.
24. He wants to eat dinner with me at night time in Italy while I'm wearing some kind of fancy flowy dress.
25. He wishes I'd send him pictures more often.
26. He likes the cakes his meemaw makes.
27. He likes when I lay on his chest
28. We can be perfectly entertained walking through the woods with me.
29. He looks funny in a go cart.
30. He thinks he's stronger than me... we'll see about that(;
31. He could probably drink nothing but peace tea for the rest of his life.
32. He goes to the smallest school I've ever seen and knows everyone in it.
33. He makes me want to have kids someday, just because I think he'll make a great daddy. (but NOT anytime soon)
34. His most common response to questions begin with "Pshh, uhm..."
35. He built a treehouse.
36. He looks adorable in baseball hats.
36.5 I think he'd be an adorable baseball player.
36.75 except he looks funny when he runs.
36.9 I've only ever seen him run once, after his dog.
37. On June 27 2010 he told me he hates the birthmark on his right arm and wants to get a tattoo over it. If he does, I'll kill him.
38. I distinctly remember his white tshirt with the monster M in the middle of the chest.
39. He hates that I speak Spanish to him because he doesn't understand 90% of it.
40. He would have gone to homecoming with me in a heartbeat.
41. He looks adorable dressed up.
42. I never know what to get him for birthdays, Christmas, etc. He's the hardest guy in the world to shop for.
43. He always forgets to call me, but the poor kid will listen to me babble for hours and still get something out of it.
44. He distinctly remembered me saying I wanted a monkey, so he bought me one. I sleep with it every night.
45. I stole his hoodie on labor day weekend of 2010 and I still wear it or sleep with it almost every night.
50. He'll drink a vanilla cappuccino from starbucks.
51. He WILL sneak up on you when you're on an escalator and scare you.
52. The only reason I wouldn't go to a concert with him is because i wouldn't know what to do or how to dance to the music.
52.5. I really can't just dance to music. I can grind. kinda. that's about it. And I'm scared to death for prom with him.
53. He's so inexperienced in relationships and messes up all the time, but I love him too much to not forgive him.
54. I hate seeing him cry.
55. I hate that I'm the one who made him cry.
56. When we broke up for a while, I absolutely despised his girlfriend.
57. I've only ever made him call me once when I was crying my eyes out, because I think he'd be exceptionally annoyed with me otherwise.
58. He taught me to play ninja.
59. He once made me laugh by blasting brown eyed girl. I laugh everytime I hear that song.
60. I'm so glad we don't go to the same school, because we never would've found each other.
61. He's so out of my league. He wouldn't even know that I existed if we had met anywhere other than on vacation.
62. I've never seen a boys eyes sparkle as much as his did the first time we talked.
63. I don't think he'd care if I can't get any skinnier.
64. He's terrible at maintaining a blog.
65. I'm glad my friend didn't come with me on vacation, because he so would have picked her.
66. I thought he was a douchebag when I first saw him. But an attractive one.
67. I think he sleeps in his basement more than his room.
68. His bed is tiny.
69. He's the only guy I know who's room is basically always clean.
70. I was jealous of his best female friend for the longest friend.
71. He hates a lot of people at his school.
72. I don't know his favorite color.
73. I also don't know his favorite food. But I think he'd eat just about anything.
74. I like when he wears a watch and a nice shirt. It's classy.
75. He smells amazing.
76. I drench his hoodie in his cologne because it's the only thing that relaxes me enough to put me to sleep - except for his voice an touch.
77. I think he wants this huge traditional church wedding. I hate the idea.
78. He looks best with short hair.
79. His hair has the weirdest part down the middle.
80. He has Penn state pants and a hoodie. that I hate
81. He's the only guy I know who would get into a football game with me.
82. He's the only guy I know who's never used a girl.
83. He's been my longest "relationship". Almost 10 months.
84. We've never had an official "date".
85. He wears this super funky camo moccasin things..
86. He wants his band to practice more and really take off.
87. I think he totally supports all of my dreams.
88. He's ticklish on his ribs.
89. He was my best first kiss.
90. He hates spelling things out in texts, and rarely puts an I before love you.
91. He's gonna have to learn to make damn good spaghetti if he wants to live with me.
92. If I could change one thing about him, I'd make his back and everything all better. Even if I had to take the pain onto myself.
93. He has some kind of bird suit in his closet that freaks me out.
94. If you try to run away, he'll flip you upside down over his shoulder and not let you down.
95. He pulls his pants up by the pockets before he sits down.
96. He could watch the history channel. all day.
96.5 he'd most likely take a break to watch 300.
97. He's an amazing kisser.
98. He has far from soft hands, thanks to a) he's a guy and b) he plays guitar & bass.
99. It's uber hard to tell when he's "in the mood" or not.
100. He's more than just the guy I love. He's amazing. I want to marry him and I want him to be a part of everything I do in my entire life. he's more than a boyfriend. He's my best friend.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Playing with Fire
He makes me melt. He slowly caresses my emotions and self worth. Then bends me and molds me into this different person - like a candle. I used to light my own way. Needing nothing but the oxygen that I burned on my own power. But now there's nothing left of what I once was. I'm vulnerable. He tries to Rebuild me so he doesn't loose the warmth of me. But all that's left of me is the burnt down useless remnants of what I once was.
Native Americans used fire to represent so many things. It represented life and passion and spirit. That's what I once was. But the white men came in and spread their fires into nothing but smoldering ashes. Darkened and gone. The natives were left with no choice but to conform. as hard as they tried they couldn't keep their spirit. it was gone.
That's me. I want to be passionate and I want to do it for him. But I don't know why. I'm the native. He the white man. I the candle and he the one who broke me down. He's the one with happiness and I'm all alone. I've got no where left to run.
Recently I've wished life was a game. Then I could forfeit.
Here, I throw in my last hand.
The games not over,
but the next round will go on.
Without the warmth of me.
Native Americans used fire to represent so many things. It represented life and passion and spirit. That's what I once was. But the white men came in and spread their fires into nothing but smoldering ashes. Darkened and gone. The natives were left with no choice but to conform. as hard as they tried they couldn't keep their spirit. it was gone.
That's me. I want to be passionate and I want to do it for him. But I don't know why. I'm the native. He the white man. I the candle and he the one who broke me down. He's the one with happiness and I'm all alone. I've got no where left to run.
Recently I've wished life was a game. Then I could forfeit.
Here, I throw in my last hand.
The games not over,
but the next round will go on.
Without the warmth of me.
Playing with Fire
He makes me melt. He slowly caresses my emotions and self worth. Then bends me and molds me into this different person - like a candle. I used to light my own way. Needing nothing but the oxygen that I burned on my own power. But now there's nothing left of what I once was. I'm vulnerable. He tries to Rebuild me so he doesn't loose the warmth of me. But all that's left of me is the burnt down useless remnants of what I once was.
Native Americans used fire to represent so many things. It represented life and passion and spirit. That's what I once was. But the white men came in and spread their fires into nothing but smoldering ashes. Darkened and gone. The natives were left with no choice but to conform. as hard as they tried they couldn't keep their spirit. it was gone.
That's me. I want to be passionate and I want to do it for him. But I don't know why. I'm the native. He the white man. I the candle and he the one who broke me down. He's the one with happiness and I'm all alone. I've got no where left to run.
Recently I've wished life was a game. Then I could forfeit.
Here, I throw in my last hand.
The games not over,
but the next round will go on.
Without the warmth of me.
Native Americans used fire to represent so many things. It represented life and passion and spirit. That's what I once was. But the white men came in and spread their fires into nothing but smoldering ashes. Darkened and gone. The natives were left with no choice but to conform. as hard as they tried they couldn't keep their spirit. it was gone.
That's me. I want to be passionate and I want to do it for him. But I don't know why. I'm the native. He the white man. I the candle and he the one who broke me down. He's the one with happiness and I'm all alone. I've got no where left to run.
Recently I've wished life was a game. Then I could forfeit.
Here, I throw in my last hand.
The games not over,
but the next round will go on.
Without the warmth of me.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Tell me.
You always say tell me. tell me tell me tell me. Then I finally spill out everything on my mind. And what do you have to say? Nothing.
I'm not complaining, I love him with every ounce of me and more. But I can't figure it out for the life of me. There's so much about me and my life that he is 100% clueless about. And he probably will remain to be clueless. I'm not gonna tell him. It isn't that I don't trust him, because I'd trust him with my life. But there's no point in putting everything out there if I'm not gonna get anything back. If you saved up every penny you could to buy some you really really wanted, you'd expect to get it when you bought it, right? If you saved up and payed for a wedding dress, you wouldn't want a chicken back, would you? No.
That's how I feel. When I finally overflow he isn't there to catch me. But I can't tell him how I feel. Because he gets offended. And then we fight. Like we do every single day. And it's always my fault. I'm usually a pretty bitchy person, and I do and say what I think when I want. But with him I need to stop. Because he doesn't get it. All I'm asking is for a little feedback. This kid is my best friend. He's everything to me.
(Insert depressing and romantic lyrics by obscure band here.)
I'm not complaining, I love him with every ounce of me and more. But I can't figure it out for the life of me. There's so much about me and my life that he is 100% clueless about. And he probably will remain to be clueless. I'm not gonna tell him. It isn't that I don't trust him, because I'd trust him with my life. But there's no point in putting everything out there if I'm not gonna get anything back. If you saved up every penny you could to buy some you really really wanted, you'd expect to get it when you bought it, right? If you saved up and payed for a wedding dress, you wouldn't want a chicken back, would you? No.
That's how I feel. When I finally overflow he isn't there to catch me. But I can't tell him how I feel. Because he gets offended. And then we fight. Like we do every single day. And it's always my fault. I'm usually a pretty bitchy person, and I do and say what I think when I want. But with him I need to stop. Because he doesn't get it. All I'm asking is for a little feedback. This kid is my best friend. He's everything to me.
(Insert depressing and romantic lyrics by obscure band here.)
Thursday, March 17, 2011
This is what usher does to me.
This is what usher does to me
I've loved usher ever since I can remember. Sure he diminished himself during the Superbowl by singing with the black eyed peas. But we all have our moments.
Some people like to listen to scream. Some like country. Others like rock. I like Usher. He's like his own genre in my book. Now, I love other music too. But I generally have five moods.
1. I feel super Badass and just wanna listen to heavy bass music and rap. Artists from my iTunes that fit this playlist are Drake, YoungBloods, the Cateracts, Fort Minor, Eminem, Kanye West, etc.
2. I just wanna dance and have fun. It's like peppy hip hop music that they'd play in a club - minus the techno shit. Its more the stuff that makes you wanna dance in a fun way but also can make you feel a little sexy This includes mostly just Usher. But also Plies, Boys like Girls, Michael Jackson, Akon, Chris Brown, Enrique Iglesias, Ne-Yo, Jay-Z
3. I believe that the reason I love things like photography in nature is my inner hippy. Listening to acousticy bands who also have that kind of island nation sound. Like Bob Marley, Cee Lo Green in his recent "Forget You". Also Train, The Scene Aesthetic,
4. Windows down, hair loose, cruising through life mood. This usually involves country, but really any music that would be played on a commercial that involves a gorgeous, blonde, tan, boho-styled girl in the front seat of a convertible loving her life. Like I said, mostly country. Playlist includes Kenny Chesney songs, She got it made by Plies, Sweet Home Alabama. Those types.
5. Normally, this is a rare one. But lately it's been used much more. This is when I can appreciate the screamed lyrics and the amazing guitar backgrounds. Soo things like Fall Out Boy, A Day To Remember, Bullet for my Valentine. Those "warped tour" type bands.
The music on my iTunes is basically cauterized like this. And anyone who can know what I mean when I just say "5 mood" or something like that. They'd really be good at reading me.
There's two kind of sub categories.
1. The completely useless joke songs of Weird Al and The Lonely Island.
2. The slow depressing music of nickelback, daughtry, etc.
Many Bands fit into different categories, as they have a wide range of songs. Bottom line is...
I'd die without music <3
I've loved usher ever since I can remember. Sure he diminished himself during the Superbowl by singing with the black eyed peas. But we all have our moments.
Some people like to listen to scream. Some like country. Others like rock. I like Usher. He's like his own genre in my book. Now, I love other music too. But I generally have five moods.
1. I feel super Badass and just wanna listen to heavy bass music and rap. Artists from my iTunes that fit this playlist are Drake, YoungBloods, the Cateracts, Fort Minor, Eminem, Kanye West, etc.
2. I just wanna dance and have fun. It's like peppy hip hop music that they'd play in a club - minus the techno shit. Its more the stuff that makes you wanna dance in a fun way but also can make you feel a little sexy This includes mostly just Usher. But also Plies, Boys like Girls, Michael Jackson, Akon, Chris Brown, Enrique Iglesias, Ne-Yo, Jay-Z
3. I believe that the reason I love things like photography in nature is my inner hippy. Listening to acousticy bands who also have that kind of island nation sound. Like Bob Marley, Cee Lo Green in his recent "Forget You". Also Train, The Scene Aesthetic,
4. Windows down, hair loose, cruising through life mood. This usually involves country, but really any music that would be played on a commercial that involves a gorgeous, blonde, tan, boho-styled girl in the front seat of a convertible loving her life. Like I said, mostly country. Playlist includes Kenny Chesney songs, She got it made by Plies, Sweet Home Alabama. Those types.
5. Normally, this is a rare one. But lately it's been used much more. This is when I can appreciate the screamed lyrics and the amazing guitar backgrounds. Soo things like Fall Out Boy, A Day To Remember, Bullet for my Valentine. Those "warped tour" type bands.
The music on my iTunes is basically cauterized like this. And anyone who can know what I mean when I just say "5 mood" or something like that. They'd really be good at reading me.
There's two kind of sub categories.
1. The completely useless joke songs of Weird Al and The Lonely Island.
2. The slow depressing music of nickelback, daughtry, etc.
Many Bands fit into different categories, as they have a wide range of songs. Bottom line is...
I'd die without music <3
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
College.
I think part of the typical American Dream is to get a good education. I've maintained a GPA of 3.8 throughout highschool so far, taking as many Honors/AP courses as possible. And like every other kid, I wanna go to college.
I've been thinking for the longest time about where I want to go. Of course Ohio State University was in my top 5. But the only thing is that I wanna go somewhere. My whole family has stayed in Ohio since we came here from Greece two generations ago. I wanna get out. Sure, I have family down south in the Carolinas and in Florida; hence my hick-ish accent before moving to the North.
I've looked at colleges all over, but I'd really like to stick to the east coast. I've thought about USC and U of MD College Park and some of the colleges Georgia has to offer. Also in my options have been Cornell, Harvard and Yale. It's just all such a huge decision.
Next year, I will begin taking classes at the University of Minnesota as a PSEO(Post Secondary Education Option) Student. However I don't want to stick around here, either.
Right now I have three priorities in finding a college.
First off is riding. I don't care what I do in life as long as I reach my goals in being a good rider. I want to go to France in 2014 and see all of my favorite athletes ride. And maybe in 2022 or 2026, I'll get there too. The problem with riding is that it's so much different than most sports. Almost any sport has a prime age of between 20 and 30. Some of the best riders in the world don't reach their prime until their forties, but usually not until their fifties. Hell, Pat Parelli is one of the best known around and he's gettin' up there.
Second is my other goal in life. I want to travel and learn languages and submerse myself in every culture possible. Yesterday, while sitting at my desk taking off my makeup I tuned in to the chronic drone of my television that always sits propped up on it's shelf glowing. It was all about National Geographic photographers. Hell, I love photography. He doesn't, but I do. Here are my goals in finding a career...
1. I want to have money. Not necessarily so I can splurge on a new Prada purse every day or to dine like Audrey Hepburn, but I'd like to be stable. I want to have horses and maybe someday have kids and be able to give them everything that will help them to be successful.
2. I want to make a difference in someones life. I've been in and out of the hospital for years. And the scariest part for me has always been the IV that's shoved into my brachial artery. Not just because of the needle that seems as long as my hand, but because of that immediate feeling of helplessness. Your eyelids become heavy and you can't control anything. And before you know it you're out. I've always had to force myself to trust that the anesthesiologist knows what they're doing. That's why I want to be that doctor. I want to put people at ease. I've had so many doctors make an impact on my life, and I want to keep that energy going. Even if I don't become a doctor, I wanna help someone.
3.I want to be happy. So many people get into careers thinking they'll love it, but they end up getting burnt out. Take for example; teachers, ER docs, paramedics, therapists; they're all done with loving their job. I want to love my job forever. This is why I always said I'd never go to college for anything equine related, even though horses are my passion.
And last on my list is him. He thinks I freak out too much, but I'm hoping he doesn't read this, because I don't think he cares enough to deeply read through all of this babbling. Even though it could help him out someday.... Regardless, I'm scared to death. I'm madly madly in love with him. Like no one will ever know. And I know that I am. I've had tons of guys I thought I truly loved before, but nothing like this. He's only a year my elder. But the thought of him graduating and going on to college tears me up inside. He's so smart. And he's even told me he's smarter than me. Okay, fine. I'll deal. He thinks I'm just a stupid little kid. I can handle that. But also the fact that I don't think he truly ever thinks about our future. I want him to go to college and be happy. But I know damn well that he can't say no to a lot of things he'll be exposed to in college. I'm also worried about the fact that he's pretty mellow. I feel like he'll want to stick around his family, where he was born and raised. Now, I'm sorry. But I don't give a flying fuck how close you are to your family. You need to get out! You need to see the world. I know so many people who regret staying in the nest. They wish they would've gotten out. Okay... sorry. I'm getting off topic. It scares me that he looks at all these colleges that I'll probably never even consider. I want him to be happy and successful... but I'd really like to be a part of it. I'll be in college for 4, 8 maybe 10 or 12 years. And I want him to be with me for every part of it. And there's no way I can handle long distance that long.. No fucking way.
I've been thinking for the longest time about where I want to go. Of course Ohio State University was in my top 5. But the only thing is that I wanna go somewhere. My whole family has stayed in Ohio since we came here from Greece two generations ago. I wanna get out. Sure, I have family down south in the Carolinas and in Florida; hence my hick-ish accent before moving to the North.
I've looked at colleges all over, but I'd really like to stick to the east coast. I've thought about USC and U of MD College Park and some of the colleges Georgia has to offer. Also in my options have been Cornell, Harvard and Yale. It's just all such a huge decision.
Next year, I will begin taking classes at the University of Minnesota as a PSEO(Post Secondary Education Option) Student. However I don't want to stick around here, either.
Right now I have three priorities in finding a college.
First off is riding. I don't care what I do in life as long as I reach my goals in being a good rider. I want to go to France in 2014 and see all of my favorite athletes ride. And maybe in 2022 or 2026, I'll get there too. The problem with riding is that it's so much different than most sports. Almost any sport has a prime age of between 20 and 30. Some of the best riders in the world don't reach their prime until their forties, but usually not until their fifties. Hell, Pat Parelli is one of the best known around and he's gettin' up there.
Second is my other goal in life. I want to travel and learn languages and submerse myself in every culture possible. Yesterday, while sitting at my desk taking off my makeup I tuned in to the chronic drone of my television that always sits propped up on it's shelf glowing. It was all about National Geographic photographers. Hell, I love photography. He doesn't, but I do. Here are my goals in finding a career...
1. I want to have money. Not necessarily so I can splurge on a new Prada purse every day or to dine like Audrey Hepburn, but I'd like to be stable. I want to have horses and maybe someday have kids and be able to give them everything that will help them to be successful.
2. I want to make a difference in someones life. I've been in and out of the hospital for years. And the scariest part for me has always been the IV that's shoved into my brachial artery. Not just because of the needle that seems as long as my hand, but because of that immediate feeling of helplessness. Your eyelids become heavy and you can't control anything. And before you know it you're out. I've always had to force myself to trust that the anesthesiologist knows what they're doing. That's why I want to be that doctor. I want to put people at ease. I've had so many doctors make an impact on my life, and I want to keep that energy going. Even if I don't become a doctor, I wanna help someone.
3.I want to be happy. So many people get into careers thinking they'll love it, but they end up getting burnt out. Take for example; teachers, ER docs, paramedics, therapists; they're all done with loving their job. I want to love my job forever. This is why I always said I'd never go to college for anything equine related, even though horses are my passion.
And last on my list is him. He thinks I freak out too much, but I'm hoping he doesn't read this, because I don't think he cares enough to deeply read through all of this babbling. Even though it could help him out someday.... Regardless, I'm scared to death. I'm madly madly in love with him. Like no one will ever know. And I know that I am. I've had tons of guys I thought I truly loved before, but nothing like this. He's only a year my elder. But the thought of him graduating and going on to college tears me up inside. He's so smart. And he's even told me he's smarter than me. Okay, fine. I'll deal. He thinks I'm just a stupid little kid. I can handle that. But also the fact that I don't think he truly ever thinks about our future. I want him to go to college and be happy. But I know damn well that he can't say no to a lot of things he'll be exposed to in college. I'm also worried about the fact that he's pretty mellow. I feel like he'll want to stick around his family, where he was born and raised. Now, I'm sorry. But I don't give a flying fuck how close you are to your family. You need to get out! You need to see the world. I know so many people who regret staying in the nest. They wish they would've gotten out. Okay... sorry. I'm getting off topic. It scares me that he looks at all these colleges that I'll probably never even consider. I want him to be happy and successful... but I'd really like to be a part of it. I'll be in college for 4, 8 maybe 10 or 12 years. And I want him to be with me for every part of it. And there's no way I can handle long distance that long.. No fucking way.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Trimester 3.
Trimester one only lasted a few weeks, as I was the new kid at the school. I still feel like the outcast. Is it because I can look at someone prettier than I or smarter than I and not give them a dirty look? Or that I can smile at someone for not particular reason at all? I think most of the population around here is Norwegian or something of the sort. And they're all so damn cold. Now, there are the few exceptions. But for the most part, everyone is just so cold .
I realize that Minnesota is viewed as a dreary, dismal, wet place (I mean 10,000 lakes, right?) but in my eyes there's more to a place than the geographical features. When you plan a vacation, you want to go somewhere because of the beautiful landscape or the favorable climate. How often do we go somewhere for the people? Now, I don't mean a vacation to see your family. I mean a trip for atmosphere.
Ever since I migrated to this new habitat, I've noticed a downturn in my own personality. Friday nights used to be the best things in the world. You just couldn't wait for the bell at the end of 11th period to ring because you had big plans for the night. If it was during the fall, you were going to the football game. If football season was over, all of your friends had a plan to get together. Whether you were going down to the river, or having a campfire, or hitting up chapel hill. There was always something to do.
Then I came to the north. Everything is so different. I spend hours every night studying. Just because I have to. It seems like people around here are so... so... dense. That's the word. My IQ has been higher than my teachers' ever since third grade. But I could take what I learned and apply it to real life and use it again later. I feel like people around here only swallow information to throw it up later. Not to absorb the nutrients from it to grow.
From fourth grade through eighth, I was in OASIS. OASIS stands for "Opportunities for Advanced Students in Stow." The reason you were put into OASIS was the following; you think differently . I think differently and I always have. It's just unfortunate that all of these kids have been so brainwashed into not being able to think outside of the box. Maybe that's why they're all stuck here. And will be. For generations more.
So here's my new schedule.. it's sooo much better
1)Honors Biology C - Last tri was okay. But this tri my teacher is SOOO much better.
2)Self-Defense... yeah
3)Honors Algebra 2C - It isn't that I didn't like my teacher last tri. I just think this tri will be a breeeeeeze. Thank god.
4) Digital Photography C - Don't worry.. I'll rant about my shitty teacher in that class in another post. I am gonna try to start posting more pictures though. I'm trying to get back into photography after having that teacher crush my passion for it...
5)Honors Lit/Writing II - No teacher will ever compare to my Honors 10 English teacher back at my old school. He actually taught me something.
6) Espanol III C - Me gusta mi maestra pero yo quiero tener mi maestro da la trimestere pasado... fue muy divertido. Eso maestra es simpatica perooo es un poco aburrido y es como un maestra para chicos quien tienen tres o quatro anos...
7)World History C; Latin America - Talking about Drug Cartels and Illegal Immigrants and the culture of people who speak my favorite language. Perfect way to end my day. Oh, and the teacher is AWESOME.
I realize that Minnesota is viewed as a dreary, dismal, wet place (I mean 10,000 lakes, right?) but in my eyes there's more to a place than the geographical features. When you plan a vacation, you want to go somewhere because of the beautiful landscape or the favorable climate. How often do we go somewhere for the people? Now, I don't mean a vacation to see your family. I mean a trip for atmosphere.
Ever since I migrated to this new habitat, I've noticed a downturn in my own personality. Friday nights used to be the best things in the world. You just couldn't wait for the bell at the end of 11th period to ring because you had big plans for the night. If it was during the fall, you were going to the football game. If football season was over, all of your friends had a plan to get together. Whether you were going down to the river, or having a campfire, or hitting up chapel hill. There was always something to do.
Then I came to the north. Everything is so different. I spend hours every night studying. Just because I have to. It seems like people around here are so... so... dense. That's the word. My IQ has been higher than my teachers' ever since third grade. But I could take what I learned and apply it to real life and use it again later. I feel like people around here only swallow information to throw it up later. Not to absorb the nutrients from it to grow.
From fourth grade through eighth, I was in OASIS. OASIS stands for "Opportunities for Advanced Students in Stow." The reason you were put into OASIS was the following; you think differently . I think differently and I always have. It's just unfortunate that all of these kids have been so brainwashed into not being able to think outside of the box. Maybe that's why they're all stuck here. And will be. For generations more.
So here's my new schedule.. it's sooo much better
1)Honors Biology C - Last tri was okay. But this tri my teacher is SOOO much better.
2)Self-Defense... yeah
3)Honors Algebra 2C - It isn't that I didn't like my teacher last tri. I just think this tri will be a breeeeeeze. Thank god.
4) Digital Photography C - Don't worry.. I'll rant about my shitty teacher in that class in another post. I am gonna try to start posting more pictures though. I'm trying to get back into photography after having that teacher crush my passion for it...
5)Honors Lit/Writing II - No teacher will ever compare to my Honors 10 English teacher back at my old school. He actually taught me something.
6) Espanol III C - Me gusta mi maestra pero yo quiero tener mi maestro da la trimestere pasado... fue muy divertido. Eso maestra es simpatica perooo es un poco aburrido y es como un maestra para chicos quien tienen tres o quatro anos...
7)World History C; Latin America - Talking about Drug Cartels and Illegal Immigrants and the culture of people who speak my favorite language. Perfect way to end my day. Oh, and the teacher is AWESOME.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Hmmmm.
I usually would post these lyrics in a facebook status that's depressing because they remind me of him so much. So in an attempt to NOT piss facebook people off, here it goes.
My heart lies heavy
On dreams and expectations
And every night that I'm away from you
I'm always going
You wait with so much patience
I count the days until I'm home with you
The horizon hides Chicago
And summer brings the heat
The summer's all you need
And I won't let you down
I wont let you down
The autumn breeze blows cold
But girl I'm comin' home
And I won't let you down
I won't let you down
Oh, no
I've always heard that distances brings us closer
I don't feel close at all without you here
My stomach turns
It's love that makes me nervous
Each time it brings me closer to relief
I'm northbound toward Chicago
And summer brings the heat
The summer's all you need
And I won't let you down
I wont let you down
The autumn breeze blows cold
But girl I'm comin' home
And I won't let you down
I won't let you down
I've gotta know that you'll be mine
And I'm all you need
I know it's hard for you to say
But say you'll wait for me
Summer brings the heat
The summer's all you need
And I wont let you down
I wont let you down
The autumn breeze blows cold
But girl I'm comin' home
And I wont let you down
Oh, no
And summer brings the heat
This song is all you need
And I wont let you down
I wont let you down
The autumn breeze blows cold
But girl I'm almost home
And you won't let me down
You won't let me down
Not that Chicago has anything to do with him specifically. Although, it is kinda the halfway point between us. I don't know. This was just one of those songs that you forget is in your iTunes and it comes on and you're like... oh. That's about all I've got to say. <3
Also. Any boy that could play Sweet Home Alabama while sitting next to a campfire on a cool summer night in the middle of the country is all mine. No questions asked. Probably the best dream I've had in awhile..
My heart lies heavy
On dreams and expectations
And every night that I'm away from you
I'm always going
You wait with so much patience
I count the days until I'm home with you
The horizon hides Chicago
And summer brings the heat
The summer's all you need
And I won't let you down
I wont let you down
The autumn breeze blows cold
But girl I'm comin' home
And I won't let you down
I won't let you down
Oh, no
I've always heard that distances brings us closer
I don't feel close at all without you here
My stomach turns
It's love that makes me nervous
Each time it brings me closer to relief
I'm northbound toward Chicago
And summer brings the heat
The summer's all you need
And I won't let you down
I wont let you down
The autumn breeze blows cold
But girl I'm comin' home
And I won't let you down
I won't let you down
I've gotta know that you'll be mine
And I'm all you need
I know it's hard for you to say
But say you'll wait for me
Summer brings the heat
The summer's all you need
And I wont let you down
I wont let you down
The autumn breeze blows cold
But girl I'm comin' home
And I wont let you down
Oh, no
And summer brings the heat
This song is all you need
And I wont let you down
I wont let you down
The autumn breeze blows cold
But girl I'm almost home
And you won't let me down
You won't let me down
Not that Chicago has anything to do with him specifically. Although, it is kinda the halfway point between us. I don't know. This was just one of those songs that you forget is in your iTunes and it comes on and you're like... oh. That's about all I've got to say. <3
Also. Any boy that could play Sweet Home Alabama while sitting next to a campfire on a cool summer night in the middle of the country is all mine. No questions asked. Probably the best dream I've had in awhile..
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Sparkly Taco Stickers, and such.
Honors Freaking Biology. Ugh. Worst class of the day. I want to be a doctor, yes that's correct. But I learn absolutely nothing in this class. I learn more about biology watching paint dry than I do in this class. And the worst part of it is that it's 7th hour. Last class of the day. It drags on forever. And we never do anything. Why aren't we learning how to use this in our lives instead of doing pointless busy work? Ugh.
A few days ago, I walked my normal path from Biology to my locker. Out of the room. Slip my phone out of my pocket. Slide unlock key. Turn corner. Type password. Look up halfway to the doorway. Tap text icon. Look up to check posters on the wall. Look down at pho... Wait a minute. I take this exact same route with the same phone habit every single day. But something is different. The dull green monochromatic flier for the March 7th cocoa and cram has been adorned with a sticker of a sparkly taco. The last thing I expected to see. It made me ~chuckle~. I know a certain person who will enjoy my use of that verb.
Anyway, it got me thinking. We all remember the small things. I babble to this poor boy on the phone all the time. I know he hates it. But I do it anyway. I don't expect him to listen. But maybe someday he'll appreciate hearing something I have to say. I often express my needs and wants. Of all the rambling I do, he remembers the most amazing things. I love monkeys. I want one. So. Bad. Well, he remembered. Guess who got a monkey pillow pet for christmas? This girl. Right here.
I couldn't have asked for a better present, (especially with the included ring pops that I also expressed a desire for.) I could have received my dream truck or some fancy necklace. But these little things are the ones that count. I remember the little things.
I remember him telling me that there were originally 3 ring pops. I received to. He got hungry and ate one. Not an important detail. But the laughs we've had over moments like that are worth so much more than anything I can think of.
I remember things like sweaty italians running through parks. And black men who appear to want to "get their barry bonds on." I remember the white monster t shirt. I remember the birdless bird island. I remember all the little things that are so important.
If you've just skipped to the last sentence because this is where I usually sum it up, fuck you. Read the god damned blog. xoxoxo.
A few days ago, I walked my normal path from Biology to my locker. Out of the room. Slip my phone out of my pocket. Slide unlock key. Turn corner. Type password. Look up halfway to the doorway. Tap text icon. Look up to check posters on the wall. Look down at pho... Wait a minute. I take this exact same route with the same phone habit every single day. But something is different. The dull green monochromatic flier for the March 7th cocoa and cram has been adorned with a sticker of a sparkly taco. The last thing I expected to see. It made me ~chuckle~. I know a certain person who will enjoy my use of that verb.
Anyway, it got me thinking. We all remember the small things. I babble to this poor boy on the phone all the time. I know he hates it. But I do it anyway. I don't expect him to listen. But maybe someday he'll appreciate hearing something I have to say. I often express my needs and wants. Of all the rambling I do, he remembers the most amazing things. I love monkeys. I want one. So. Bad. Well, he remembered. Guess who got a monkey pillow pet for christmas? This girl. Right here.
I couldn't have asked for a better present, (especially with the included ring pops that I also expressed a desire for.) I could have received my dream truck or some fancy necklace. But these little things are the ones that count. I remember the little things.
I remember him telling me that there were originally 3 ring pops. I received to. He got hungry and ate one. Not an important detail. But the laughs we've had over moments like that are worth so much more than anything I can think of.
I remember things like sweaty italians running through parks. And black men who appear to want to "get their barry bonds on." I remember the white monster t shirt. I remember the birdless bird island. I remember all the little things that are so important.
If you've just skipped to the last sentence because this is where I usually sum it up, fuck you. Read the god damned blog. xoxoxo.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Another Metaphor: Relationships
Ive had tons of relationships. A relationship doesn't have to mean a boy and a girl who are "Facebook official". relationships are with anyone you're acquainted with. Hell, you an have a relationship with someone without even knowing it. The people who act like they're so perfect are the ones who think relationships are as easy as swimming in the kiddie pool. You control your direction. you set the pace. your head is always above water. and if someone pees in the pool, it's okay. because they have filters. I get that it isn't the best logic, but it makes sense. many people agree with it. but it's wrong.
relationships in life are like a wild horse. they're going to run from you. and to catch a good one isn't easy. even when you do catch it it's still going to fight you. You can begin to tame it and love it. Even though it's wild you don't care because it's spirit and fire is beautiful. You eventually can get on top of it (no sexual reference here, seriously) and can learn to ride it. It transforms into this amazing but energetic being and you begin to become one with it. But just because you took the horse out of the wild doesn't mean you took the wild out of the horse. You're flying smoothly and sailing over every obstacle in the way. But all of a sudden, you hit the ground. You're completely shocked. What happened? Could you not get over one of those obstacles? Were you going to fast? Did it take an unexpected turn? you get up and brush yourself off. You look for your mount. You spot it. But someone else already caught it for you. And it's so far away. You can't bear to take it back. It's easier to return to the stable empty handed you think. Until you realize what you lost. You run back to it through all the pain blind from the tears. But someone else has already corrupt the beautiful thing you once had. And you'll never have one quite like that. It's gone... forever.
relationships in life are like a wild horse. they're going to run from you. and to catch a good one isn't easy. even when you do catch it it's still going to fight you. You can begin to tame it and love it. Even though it's wild you don't care because it's spirit and fire is beautiful. You eventually can get on top of it (no sexual reference here, seriously) and can learn to ride it. It transforms into this amazing but energetic being and you begin to become one with it. But just because you took the horse out of the wild doesn't mean you took the wild out of the horse. You're flying smoothly and sailing over every obstacle in the way. But all of a sudden, you hit the ground. You're completely shocked. What happened? Could you not get over one of those obstacles? Were you going to fast? Did it take an unexpected turn? you get up and brush yourself off. You look for your mount. You spot it. But someone else already caught it for you. And it's so far away. You can't bear to take it back. It's easier to return to the stable empty handed you think. Until you realize what you lost. You run back to it through all the pain blind from the tears. But someone else has already corrupt the beautiful thing you once had. And you'll never have one quite like that. It's gone... forever.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Really Webster? (1)
ma·tu·ri·ty noun \mÉ™-ˈtu̇r-É™-tÄ“, -ˈtyu̇r- also -ˈchu̇r-\
1: the quality or state of being mature; especially : full development
Full Development? Come on.
How many peoplr have you EVER heard of, that have reached full development. We're always changing.
I watched a movie the other day, about a family who stayed as they were forever. They all had drank water from a stream, which gave them eternal life. The father of the family said "we don't live, we just are " It got me thinking. How do I change? Many people have told me how mature I am. But the connotation of mature has changed. I'm mature because I'm able to make rational decisions as well as not give a flying fuck about what most people think about what I do. But from day to day, I see change in myself. And that's never going to change. Some days, I change alot. Like take June 27, 2010 for example. That day changed my life forever. But take that change. It's like a ripple effect. It will continue to change me until I die. Even after I die. I've begun to read "Spoon River Anthology" by Edgar Lee Masters. It's a book composed of nothing but epitaphs. The epitaphs describe things from love to drunks to people who made a social impact. But it shows that peopole develop even after death. And not in the spiritual kind of way. Have you ever dropped a fishing line in the water and then reeled in right away? Every person is a fishing line. Just because you pull the line out of the water doesn't mean the ripples stop.
Yes this totally has to do with the main topic. Basically, I think websters is 100% wrong. Because to be mature is possible. Because we're always more mature than we were the previous second. Or you can look at it as, you can never be mature. Because we always change. But it doesn't mean that you're closer to being fully developed.
I guess my whole point of this whole rant is that you can never expect to be a complete person. Or to be perfect. You can only expect to find your best source of contentment for each moment you have on this earth. Because even after you become a part of it, you will echo throughout it forever.
1: the quality or state of being mature; especially : full development
Full Development? Come on.
How many peoplr have you EVER heard of, that have reached full development. We're always changing.
I watched a movie the other day, about a family who stayed as they were forever. They all had drank water from a stream, which gave them eternal life. The father of the family said "we don't live, we just are " It got me thinking. How do I change? Many people have told me how mature I am. But the connotation of mature has changed. I'm mature because I'm able to make rational decisions as well as not give a flying fuck about what most people think about what I do. But from day to day, I see change in myself. And that's never going to change. Some days, I change alot. Like take June 27, 2010 for example. That day changed my life forever. But take that change. It's like a ripple effect. It will continue to change me until I die. Even after I die. I've begun to read "Spoon River Anthology" by Edgar Lee Masters. It's a book composed of nothing but epitaphs. The epitaphs describe things from love to drunks to people who made a social impact. But it shows that peopole develop even after death. And not in the spiritual kind of way. Have you ever dropped a fishing line in the water and then reeled in right away? Every person is a fishing line. Just because you pull the line out of the water doesn't mean the ripples stop.
Yes this totally has to do with the main topic. Basically, I think websters is 100% wrong. Because to be mature is possible. Because we're always more mature than we were the previous second. Or you can look at it as, you can never be mature. Because we always change. But it doesn't mean that you're closer to being fully developed.
I guess my whole point of this whole rant is that you can never expect to be a complete person. Or to be perfect. You can only expect to find your best source of contentment for each moment you have on this earth. Because even after you become a part of it, you will echo throughout it forever.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Happily Ever After
Just.. Ya know.
It’s like in all the fairy tales
They talk about love they’ve lost
Replacements they’ve found
I ask was it true love, or was it lust?
Always in my head, twirling around
My curiosity needs quenched with the fact of what I did wrong
You say I did nothing, your voice like a song
I’m almost positive that it’s really over
I need a good luck charm, a four leaf clover
Your gorgeous green crystals
Gazed right in my eyes
I heard the rain at a slight drizzle
Falling out of the sky
I felt your embrace
Right up against your chest
Looking up into your face
I know you make me my best
I could feel your heart beat
So steadily and sure
My face turned red with heat
Your touch is my cure
There’s nothing in this world
That I thought could tear us apart
But in your arms I was curled
Never closer to your heart
Now why was there tension
Between us now
We need intervention
How us to save us, I don’t know how
Your face turned misty
My eyes felt warm
My head, it felt dizzy
My emotions started to swarm
I didn’t know why
I was so happy now
I thought I was starting to cry
But my eyes wouldn’t allow
You asked me what was wrong
I said I just don’t know how this can end
He said have you thought that this long
I told him the messages he was beginning to send
He looked at me funny
His eyes they were wild
He smiled and said hunny,
You see like a child
It’s by no fault of yours
That I’ve been acting this way
But in the next few hours
There’s something I have to say
My heart skipped a beat
You were scaring me to death
With this amazing feat
You could hear it on my breath
You pulled me in close
And told me everything was okay
I needed to stop worrying
It was going to be a special day
I now regret thinking
That this was actually done
Like our ship was sinking
Like the red glowing sun
The only theory I can create
Was subconscious paranoia
But since our first date
I knew that I’d always love ya
The night drew on
It was awkward at least
But you took me to dinner
We had a small feast
We sat on the terrace
Watching the sun set on the horizon
Through our eyes, communicating in silence
Not needing words for connection
We finished our meal
But something still wasn’t right
we had a deal
Something was going to happen tonight
You took me by the hand
And walked me across the small deck
Over to the lake, our special land
On my cheek, you gave me a peck
Yours eyes on that night
Put the stars to shame
I looked around everything just right
I could feel the mutual internal flame
You pushed me away a little
I didn’t understand
Until you got down on one knee
And took my hand
I finally came to grips
With why you had been acting so odd
I read the words on your lips
All I could do was nod
You wanted us forever
That’s what you told me
Our bond never to be broken
Together for all eternity
The little blue box opened up
Presenting a small silver band
Carrying a diamond on top
You slipped it on my finger
A chill went through my spine
The feeling is today still at linger
That you are really mine
You got up off of your knee
Brushing the dirt from your pants
Pulling yourself into me
Telling me you had approval from my parents
My father approved of him
Since we started in highschool
My mother called him a sin
Because he was a young fool
Now they both accept
Who he will become
Not just a friend
But now he is their son
There’s nothing left I need to write
Until I start a new chapter
My heart is still full of light
And fairy tales really can end
In happily ever after
It’s like in all the fairy tales
They talk about love they’ve lost
Replacements they’ve found
I ask was it true love, or was it lust?
Always in my head, twirling around
My curiosity needs quenched with the fact of what I did wrong
You say I did nothing, your voice like a song
I’m almost positive that it’s really over
I need a good luck charm, a four leaf clover
Your gorgeous green crystals
Gazed right in my eyes
I heard the rain at a slight drizzle
Falling out of the sky
I felt your embrace
Right up against your chest
Looking up into your face
I know you make me my best
I could feel your heart beat
So steadily and sure
My face turned red with heat
Your touch is my cure
There’s nothing in this world
That I thought could tear us apart
But in your arms I was curled
Never closer to your heart
Now why was there tension
Between us now
We need intervention
How us to save us, I don’t know how
Your face turned misty
My eyes felt warm
My head, it felt dizzy
My emotions started to swarm
I didn’t know why
I was so happy now
I thought I was starting to cry
But my eyes wouldn’t allow
You asked me what was wrong
I said I just don’t know how this can end
He said have you thought that this long
I told him the messages he was beginning to send
He looked at me funny
His eyes they were wild
He smiled and said hunny,
You see like a child
It’s by no fault of yours
That I’ve been acting this way
But in the next few hours
There’s something I have to say
My heart skipped a beat
You were scaring me to death
With this amazing feat
You could hear it on my breath
You pulled me in close
And told me everything was okay
I needed to stop worrying
It was going to be a special day
I now regret thinking
That this was actually done
Like our ship was sinking
Like the red glowing sun
The only theory I can create
Was subconscious paranoia
But since our first date
I knew that I’d always love ya
The night drew on
It was awkward at least
But you took me to dinner
We had a small feast
We sat on the terrace
Watching the sun set on the horizon
Through our eyes, communicating in silence
Not needing words for connection
We finished our meal
But something still wasn’t right
we had a deal
Something was going to happen tonight
You took me by the hand
And walked me across the small deck
Over to the lake, our special land
On my cheek, you gave me a peck
Yours eyes on that night
Put the stars to shame
I looked around everything just right
I could feel the mutual internal flame
You pushed me away a little
I didn’t understand
Until you got down on one knee
And took my hand
I finally came to grips
With why you had been acting so odd
I read the words on your lips
All I could do was nod
You wanted us forever
That’s what you told me
Our bond never to be broken
Together for all eternity
The little blue box opened up
Presenting a small silver band
Carrying a diamond on top
You slipped it on my finger
A chill went through my spine
The feeling is today still at linger
That you are really mine
You got up off of your knee
Brushing the dirt from your pants
Pulling yourself into me
Telling me you had approval from my parents
My father approved of him
Since we started in highschool
My mother called him a sin
Because he was a young fool
Now they both accept
Who he will become
Not just a friend
But now he is their son
There’s nothing left I need to write
Until I start a new chapter
My heart is still full of light
And fairy tales really can end
In happily ever after
Can't Remember When I Wrote This One
No more taste of my salty tears
That’s all I’ve known these past few years
Nothing more to mist my eyes
Or it might make me go suicide
I don’t know how but I do know why
It’s time for me to say good bye
I couldn’t leave here with no destination
But I got one now get me to a station
People say I’m running away
But can’t tell me why to stay
They have no problem makin em all the bad guy
But can’t turn around and see their own lies
You’re double standards make me sick and tired
Push me too far I get high wired
When I try to stand up you push me to the ground
All I can say is what goes around comes around
That’s all I’ve known these past few years
Nothing more to mist my eyes
Or it might make me go suicide
I don’t know how but I do know why
It’s time for me to say good bye
I couldn’t leave here with no destination
But I got one now get me to a station
People say I’m running away
But can’t tell me why to stay
They have no problem makin em all the bad guy
But can’t turn around and see their own lies
You’re double standards make me sick and tired
Push me too far I get high wired
When I try to stand up you push me to the ground
All I can say is what goes around comes around
August 15, 2010
My purpose for writing this is for my knowledge only. You can ask, but I might not tell you. I think it's pretty kick-ass.
I’m layin here choked up
and all confused
my emotions are swirlin
my heart’s abused
I know exactly why
I’m feelin this way
Because of you
And the things you say
You’ve got my heart
With no right
But I can’t take it back
No matter how hard I fight
It’s like I change
Change when I think
Think about what I want us to be
The pieces don’t even fit though
Not with the way you treat me
Maybe I’m not pretty enough
Or maybe I just care too much
Its never been like this before
Fallen for you more and more
You call me pathetic
A loser, alone
But it doesn’t seem to phase me
when your words should cut to the bone
I can write and say what I want
But you still wouldn’t care
About the feelings I wish we shared.
I’m not tryin to make you flattered
I’m not some kinda fool
I just wish you wouldn’t leave me here shattered
The act, just feels so cruel
I guess I’ll leave you be now
If that’s really what you want
So you won’t anymore be bothered
With the feelings I proudly flaunt
I’ll force my heart away from you
As hard as it'll be
Because apparently you don’t deserve
A girl as loving as me
I only seek your approval
Because I’m so often denied
And hopefully the way I love you
Will stay with me inside
Unless you really want it
Nah, I don’t think you do
And things like this
Well, you probably hate them to
Just so you know
I love you so fucking much
When you decide you want me
Try to get in touch
And maybe that spark
Will grow into a burning flame
And everything I’ve put into you
Will not have been in shame.
I’m layin here choked up
and all confused
my emotions are swirlin
my heart’s abused
I know exactly why
I’m feelin this way
Because of you
And the things you say
You’ve got my heart
With no right
But I can’t take it back
No matter how hard I fight
It’s like I change
Change when I think
Think about what I want us to be
The pieces don’t even fit though
Not with the way you treat me
Maybe I’m not pretty enough
Or maybe I just care too much
Its never been like this before
Fallen for you more and more
You call me pathetic
A loser, alone
But it doesn’t seem to phase me
when your words should cut to the bone
I can write and say what I want
But you still wouldn’t care
About the feelings I wish we shared.
I’m not tryin to make you flattered
I’m not some kinda fool
I just wish you wouldn’t leave me here shattered
The act, just feels so cruel
I guess I’ll leave you be now
If that’s really what you want
So you won’t anymore be bothered
With the feelings I proudly flaunt
I’ll force my heart away from you
As hard as it'll be
Because apparently you don’t deserve
A girl as loving as me
I only seek your approval
Because I’m so often denied
And hopefully the way I love you
Will stay with me inside
Unless you really want it
Nah, I don’t think you do
And things like this
Well, you probably hate them to
Just so you know
I love you so fucking much
When you decide you want me
Try to get in touch
And maybe that spark
Will grow into a burning flame
And everything I’ve put into you
Will not have been in shame.
Name Change.
I've renamed my blog Panacea. Because this blog is my panacea. I mean when I need to rant about relationships, religion, society problems, friends, school, anything. It's there. It does it's own talking back. That's really all I needed to say about that....
Metaphor Battle - Will Update Later
I have an impeccable ability to make an analogy or metaphor for almost anything in life.
Recent Analogies...
1. The searing pain in your thighs when you ride: Imagine squeezing a fully inflated basketball in between your thighs while in "up" part of a sit up position until it pops. Then when it pops, do it again. It might be about half the pain.
2. Relationships: I like to envision them as a jumping course. When you're confident you know that you're going to set up properly and soar right over each combination. You no longer have 5 senses. Everything combines into one. Like the hearts of two people in love. Your heartbeat synchronizes with the hoof beats and you float fluently but powerfully; like waves on the ocean. You glide as one with your mount.
But when you're having a sketchy run, things get intimidating. Your heart tiptoes into every single beat. Your eyes can't perceive everything that's going on in front of you. Your senses are all over the place and you’re suddenly lost on this feral beast with no sense of the direction. Your heart skips beats before, after and over the jump. You hold on for dear life and just wait to make it through. You can’t look the judges in the eye. Your trainer is disappointed. You let your horse and yourself down.
You get a rush from both but in different ways. A good run gives you a warm, safe, comfortable and satisfied feeling. A bad run gives you a feeling like you’re dizzy and drained of blood. It’s like love. Situation 1 is similar to a stable, good relationship, where you know that the person will be there for you, even if it’s to say nothing. But situation 2 represents the relationship in which you don’t know if the person is even going to love you from day to day. And it isn’t necessarily always boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, etc. relationships. Friendships are the same way.
Recent Analogies...
1. The searing pain in your thighs when you ride: Imagine squeezing a fully inflated basketball in between your thighs while in "up" part of a sit up position until it pops. Then when it pops, do it again. It might be about half the pain.
2. Relationships: I like to envision them as a jumping course. When you're confident you know that you're going to set up properly and soar right over each combination. You no longer have 5 senses. Everything combines into one. Like the hearts of two people in love. Your heartbeat synchronizes with the hoof beats and you float fluently but powerfully; like waves on the ocean. You glide as one with your mount.
But when you're having a sketchy run, things get intimidating. Your heart tiptoes into every single beat. Your eyes can't perceive everything that's going on in front of you. Your senses are all over the place and you’re suddenly lost on this feral beast with no sense of the direction. Your heart skips beats before, after and over the jump. You hold on for dear life and just wait to make it through. You can’t look the judges in the eye. Your trainer is disappointed. You let your horse and yourself down.
You get a rush from both but in different ways. A good run gives you a warm, safe, comfortable and satisfied feeling. A bad run gives you a feeling like you’re dizzy and drained of blood. It’s like love. Situation 1 is similar to a stable, good relationship, where you know that the person will be there for you, even if it’s to say nothing. But situation 2 represents the relationship in which you don’t know if the person is even going to love you from day to day. And it isn’t necessarily always boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, etc. relationships. Friendships are the same way.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Where the Ocean Meets the Sky
The ocean and sky are often personified in literature to enhance the meaning of something so vast that you can ponder it for days and never come to a conclusion. The very depths of the ocean in which are living the most evil and ugly of creatures span thousands of feet until the rolling green foaming waves meet the ever changing merciless sky. One can only imagine what's below the surface of the ocean or what may be above the clouds. Those unable to think for themselves and who need a fallback believe that there is some kind of almighty being above the clouds who controls our very fate. I believe there's nothing but ever expanding space.
Anyway, back to the point. Think about this, the horizon is often used as a powerful metaphor. "Disappeared into the horizon" "Looking off into the horizon". The funny thing is, it doesn't exist. It's only a state of mind, much like happiness, love and hate. It is fantastically similar to life. You look for something and you know you want it so damn bad and you don't take your eyes off of it and you run and fight to get there. But you never will. Because it isn't really there.
But a picture says a thousand words. How about the picture you see everyday; your shadow. Remember Peter Pan? And his shadow? Well our shadows don't run away from us. They're always with us and always changing. But we can't get away from them. We can't catch them. We can't control them. The only way to get rid of it is to shut ourselves away from the light of the world. The light that shines across the horizon every day. The light that makes us open our eyes to the world. The light that shines on our obstacles. The light that makes our shadow is reality. No matter how much you wanna get to the horizon, reality will keep pushing it away from you. And you're never going to reach it.
The horizon is over rated. The horizon is what everyone wants. Running into the horizon stretches and malforms your shadow to look just as mangled as everyone else's who is running for the same horizon. Don't do what everyone else is doing. Stop focusing on the horizon. Turn around and let the world see you in a whole new way.
All of my crazy ranting has a purpose, I promise.
I went to the beach last summer looking the same direction as the other people on the trip. But when I turned around and found my own meaning for being there, I found the best thing I've ever seen. A new beginning. A reason to keep going. A reason to not need reality. A reason to recreate everything I stand for. It's all because of that one turn of my head that I'm still here. That I didn't give up on life. I had a plan before school started that year. I'd be gone. But I'm still here.
I am here.
Anyway, back to the point. Think about this, the horizon is often used as a powerful metaphor. "Disappeared into the horizon" "Looking off into the horizon". The funny thing is, it doesn't exist. It's only a state of mind, much like happiness, love and hate. It is fantastically similar to life. You look for something and you know you want it so damn bad and you don't take your eyes off of it and you run and fight to get there. But you never will. Because it isn't really there.
But a picture says a thousand words. How about the picture you see everyday; your shadow. Remember Peter Pan? And his shadow? Well our shadows don't run away from us. They're always with us and always changing. But we can't get away from them. We can't catch them. We can't control them. The only way to get rid of it is to shut ourselves away from the light of the world. The light that shines across the horizon every day. The light that makes us open our eyes to the world. The light that shines on our obstacles. The light that makes our shadow is reality. No matter how much you wanna get to the horizon, reality will keep pushing it away from you. And you're never going to reach it.
The horizon is over rated. The horizon is what everyone wants. Running into the horizon stretches and malforms your shadow to look just as mangled as everyone else's who is running for the same horizon. Don't do what everyone else is doing. Stop focusing on the horizon. Turn around and let the world see you in a whole new way.
All of my crazy ranting has a purpose, I promise.
I went to the beach last summer looking the same direction as the other people on the trip. But when I turned around and found my own meaning for being there, I found the best thing I've ever seen. A new beginning. A reason to keep going. A reason to not need reality. A reason to recreate everything I stand for. It's all because of that one turn of my head that I'm still here. That I didn't give up on life. I had a plan before school started that year. I'd be gone. But I'm still here.
I am here.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Day 1.
Today, at about 1am, I sent my last message for awhile. Sure I was going to be missing out. But it's not too bad yet. It's weird not having the freedom to ask questions or express emotions. But it's okay. I just think about the stories that I'll hear in no time at all. It isn't really hurting. In fact it may be a good test of this recent fad of mine. Not much else to say as of now.
Later I am most likely going to the Gorge or maybe down to the creek to take some pictures. Really in that kind of mood lately.
Also, I feel kind of useless. The girl who used to be my best friend in the world is growing apart from me. I understand if she has other friends, but she's changing. And not for the better. You can not give a flying fuck about the world but still be a well rounded person. For the most part, I don't give a second thought about what people say. Because I don't care. But I'm still happy. No I don't have hundreds of close friends, but I have a good circle of real friends. I'm not conformist, but I can be my own person without rebelling just for the hell of it. I can also be a strong person while still maintaining what I believe. I don't expect everyone to be like me.
"Nature never deceives us; it is we who deceive ourselves."
A quote by Jean Jacques Rousseau, who believed that society was the corruption of all human beings, and that in nature we could grow as stronger people. I believe the world could be a better place if people could follow the paths that they wanted to create, instead of carelessly swerving down the paths that others create for them.
Later I am most likely going to the Gorge or maybe down to the creek to take some pictures. Really in that kind of mood lately.
Also, I feel kind of useless. The girl who used to be my best friend in the world is growing apart from me. I understand if she has other friends, but she's changing. And not for the better. You can not give a flying fuck about the world but still be a well rounded person. For the most part, I don't give a second thought about what people say. Because I don't care. But I'm still happy. No I don't have hundreds of close friends, but I have a good circle of real friends. I'm not conformist, but I can be my own person without rebelling just for the hell of it. I can also be a strong person while still maintaining what I believe. I don't expect everyone to be like me.
"Nature never deceives us; it is we who deceive ourselves."
A quote by Jean Jacques Rousseau, who believed that society was the corruption of all human beings, and that in nature we could grow as stronger people. I believe the world could be a better place if people could follow the paths that they wanted to create, instead of carelessly swerving down the paths that others create for them.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Permit.
I just typed an entire blog ranting about how my brother has the ability to manipulate me through my mother. Then Blogger effed up and deleted it.
Dear Blogger,
FUCKYOUFORPISSINGMEOFFFFFF.IABSOLUTELYHATEYOU.
Anywho....
Basically. My brother uses this epic battle between my parents to his advantage. And it's always my fault when he gets mad. For istance. I was supposed to drive with my recently aquired permit. But since he said I "was not about to drive with him in the car", I didn't drive. It really sucks that this kid can't just get over his anger and attitude problems and grow up. Because he's gonna get a harsh reality check. I hope it hits him super fucking hard. I slowly opened my eyes to reality. He's jsut gonna get smacked in the face with a burnt out flashlight.... (Totally just pictured that in my head... LOL) No, I'm not violent. It's just a metaphor...
Dear Blogger,
FUCKYOUFORPISSINGMEOFFFFFF.IABSOLUTELYHATEYOU.
Anywho....
Basically. My brother uses this epic battle between my parents to his advantage. And it's always my fault when he gets mad. For istance. I was supposed to drive with my recently aquired permit. But since he said I "was not about to drive with him in the car", I didn't drive. It really sucks that this kid can't just get over his anger and attitude problems and grow up. Because he's gonna get a harsh reality check. I hope it hits him super fucking hard. I slowly opened my eyes to reality. He's jsut gonna get smacked in the face with a burnt out flashlight.... (Totally just pictured that in my head... LOL) No, I'm not violent. It's just a metaphor...
Monday, February 14, 2011
What I used to be.
I used to be the pretty girl that everyone wanted pictures of.
I used to be the girl with 8 modeling agencies asking her to sign with them.
I used to be the girl who had cheerleading, dance or gymnastics everyday.
I used to be the girl who could run a mile in 6 minutes.
I used to be the girl who had a perfect grade on every test.
I used to be the girl who was still excited when daddy came home.
I used to be the girl who thought the best place in the world was right in between mommy and daddy.
I used to be the girl who never thought she'd sit alone at night crying with no one to hold her, because mommy or daddy would always be there.
I used to be the girl who thought the only boy she'd ever love was the horse that she had to have taken away.
I used to be the girl with dreams so big no one could bring me down.
I used to be the girl who had the perfect group of friends.
I used to be the girl on the swimteam that everyone wanted as an anchor for their relay.
I used to be the girl who still got excited to go to grandma and papa's house because they'd always love me.
I used to be the girl that could sing her heart out.
I used to be the girl that could talk to her daddy about anything.
I used to be the girl that could play with her little brother and get along just fine.
I used to be the girl who could live everyday to the fullest and always have a big dream for tomorrow. Because I used to be the girl whose life wasn't written in an agreement by an attorney; a judge didn't decide my life for me. I did. I used to be the girl who wasn't the unarmed soldier standing alone when her family started world war three. I used to be happy.
I used to be the girl with 8 modeling agencies asking her to sign with them.
I used to be the girl who had cheerleading, dance or gymnastics everyday.
I used to be the girl who could run a mile in 6 minutes.
I used to be the girl who had a perfect grade on every test.
I used to be the girl who was still excited when daddy came home.
I used to be the girl who thought the best place in the world was right in between mommy and daddy.
I used to be the girl who never thought she'd sit alone at night crying with no one to hold her, because mommy or daddy would always be there.
I used to be the girl who thought the only boy she'd ever love was the horse that she had to have taken away.
I used to be the girl with dreams so big no one could bring me down.
I used to be the girl who had the perfect group of friends.
I used to be the girl on the swimteam that everyone wanted as an anchor for their relay.
I used to be the girl who still got excited to go to grandma and papa's house because they'd always love me.
I used to be the girl that could sing her heart out.
I used to be the girl that could talk to her daddy about anything.
I used to be the girl that could play with her little brother and get along just fine.
I used to be the girl who could live everyday to the fullest and always have a big dream for tomorrow. Because I used to be the girl whose life wasn't written in an agreement by an attorney; a judge didn't decide my life for me. I did. I used to be the girl who wasn't the unarmed soldier standing alone when her family started world war three. I used to be happy.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
(Insert Bitchy Teen-Feuled Title Here)
Ohhhmygoodness. Time like these are times where I wish I would have just gone to AOA and I wouldn't have to deal with things like this! I could have snowboarded all the time and I'd ride everyday and wouldn't have to deal with my parents! I moved away from my dad thinking things would be better. Thinking that I wouldn't have to take shit from the person who I'm supposed to be able to go to anything for; my parent. I'm extremely smart, and I know it. But I can't stand the school here. All of the teachers blow whale d*** and don't give a flying f*** about their students. They say they'll stay after school with you and what not, but even when you do, they don't help. I have one close friend here, I don't know what I'd do without her. But she's not really the kind of person that I'd call crying like I am now... And the boy that I absolutely love would rather make jokes or push it off like "awh it's okay" or "she's wrong". But I guess the reality of it is that no matter what anyone says everything will still be the same. I can't describe it really, how shitty I feel. I want to go back to Stow. Actually, I'd rather be at AOA. But I don't have 100,000 dollars for school right now. Or any of the schools I looked at... To be away from my parents and be able to be independent would take an insane amount of stress off of me. It also doesn't help that I can't do anything else right. I can't get my two point perfect and I can't get an A on tests anymore no matter how much I study or I can't just go out and run eight miles. Things like that are what's killing me. I want to be something great, but no one else thinks I can do it. I'm gonna prove everyone wrong. And all the people who think they were there, but pissed me off. They won't be in my life at all. All of this just because she told me I'm not good enough. Ha. Bitch. You think you have it rough? Try to be in my shoes. You weren't in all Honors and AP courses in highschool. You weren't a girl in two male dominated sports. Your parents didn't live 800 miles apart. You didn't have all of the things I do. So shut the hell up. Just because you weren't me doesn't mean you have to hate on me. I try so hard. And you don't appreciate it at all. Well guess what, you won't be the one I'm thanking when I'm standing on the first place podium with a gold medal with the rest of the US olympic eventing team. I'll have no one to thank but myself, and whoever else helps me get there. I only have to rely on you for a few things because I have to. Believe me. If I didn't, I'd be long gone.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Now, I'm mad
No, not really. But don't you hate how you're perfectly content with what you have and then you discover that there's something out there so much bigger and better but you can't get it? Gosh. I hate that feeling. So much. With any area of life. Well. That was short. Just needed to say it somewhere off of facebook. Will Blog later.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Miscellaneous Rants
I have soooo many things to rant about. I don't know what the limit of a blog post is, but I might hit it.
First of all..
I've ranted about facial hair before, but I need to say AGAIN. Ew. It's like. I can't explain it. I was downtown a few days ago, and this guy had the nastiest hairest blehish mustache I've ever seen in my life. and he was eating. ICE CREAM. Like who the fuck DOES that? It was one of those things where you have trouble not staring because it's just THAT gross. He was probably 20 something. And could have been a bit more attractive. But never will be, because I saw him with a moustache. I could rant repetitively for HOURS. Just because of that. Like the thought of feeling a guys facial hair makes me cringe, and want to puke. Is there such thing as moustachephobia? Because I think I have it. And beards. oh mylanta. Beards. The way I feel about beards, is how I assume guys feel about a girl with as much chest hair as Tim Allen in Jungle 2 Jungle. It also adds about 10 pounds to a guy's face. I could meet the man of my dreams tomorrow. But if has has ONE. And I mean one, facial hair. I'll smack him. Til it falls out. Better yet, when I get married and have tooons of money, I'm paying for my guy to have laser hair removal. All over his face. Also Guys, get your eyebrowns done. Please. It doesn't have to be anything fancy or borderling homosexual, but just trim them up? Most guys believe that if their hair covers it, their good to go. WRONG. I can STILL SEE IT. And it makes me want to hold you down and wax them. I'd perfer if a guy shaves his chest and belly occasionally, but I don't expect it to be smooth all the time. And finally; manscaping. I understand that guys get razorburn very easily, but guess what SO DO GIRLS. While it may be a comon misconception that girls are magically smooth, it's not. Lemme tell you, it hurts. The day after a girl shaves, it can burn and itch and other nasty things that guys don't think about. Legs aren't as big of a deal, though. (Don't worry, I'm not going to suggest that guys shave their legs). Basically, if you touch a part of me (aside from my legs) and expect it to be hairless or trimmed, you better be trimmed/smooth there too.
Okay, next rant. Texting.
I absolutely hate the way some people text.
I can handle:
U
R
IDK
LOL, Lmao, roflshisbfmd, etc.
Hby
Brb
(can add more later)
What I can't handle, is when people try to be smart and fail.
They're = They are
Their = Possessive
There = Place
Get it right, for goodness sake!
Also;
Your = posessive
You're = you are.
Not that fucking difficult.
I've already ranted about my "I love you" debate.
Screamo music. Dear Lord.
I understand that everyone has their own opinions on music, but come on, screamo is pushing it. Websters defines music as "the science or art of ordering tones or sounds in succession, in combination, and in temporal relationships to produce a composition having unity and continuity" also as "vocal, instrumental, or mechanical sounds having rhythm, melody, or harmony." Screamo, has ZERO continuity/ unity. Also, can anyone find a rhythym, melody or harmony? I can't. Just because people say it's raw emotion, but that doesn't make it worthy of qualifying as a music genre.
First of all..
I've ranted about facial hair before, but I need to say AGAIN. Ew. It's like. I can't explain it. I was downtown a few days ago, and this guy had the nastiest hairest blehish mustache I've ever seen in my life. and he was eating. ICE CREAM. Like who the fuck DOES that? It was one of those things where you have trouble not staring because it's just THAT gross. He was probably 20 something. And could have been a bit more attractive. But never will be, because I saw him with a moustache. I could rant repetitively for HOURS. Just because of that. Like the thought of feeling a guys facial hair makes me cringe, and want to puke. Is there such thing as moustachephobia? Because I think I have it. And beards. oh mylanta. Beards. The way I feel about beards, is how I assume guys feel about a girl with as much chest hair as Tim Allen in Jungle 2 Jungle. It also adds about 10 pounds to a guy's face. I could meet the man of my dreams tomorrow. But if has has ONE. And I mean one, facial hair. I'll smack him. Til it falls out. Better yet, when I get married and have tooons of money, I'm paying for my guy to have laser hair removal. All over his face. Also Guys, get your eyebrowns done. Please. It doesn't have to be anything fancy or borderling homosexual, but just trim them up? Most guys believe that if their hair covers it, their good to go. WRONG. I can STILL SEE IT. And it makes me want to hold you down and wax them. I'd perfer if a guy shaves his chest and belly occasionally, but I don't expect it to be smooth all the time. And finally; manscaping. I understand that guys get razorburn very easily, but guess what SO DO GIRLS. While it may be a comon misconception that girls are magically smooth, it's not. Lemme tell you, it hurts. The day after a girl shaves, it can burn and itch and other nasty things that guys don't think about. Legs aren't as big of a deal, though. (Don't worry, I'm not going to suggest that guys shave their legs). Basically, if you touch a part of me (aside from my legs) and expect it to be hairless or trimmed, you better be trimmed/smooth there too.
Okay, next rant. Texting.
I absolutely hate the way some people text.
I can handle:
U
R
IDK
LOL, Lmao, roflshisbfmd, etc.
Hby
Brb
(can add more later)
What I can't handle, is when people try to be smart and fail.
They're = They are
Their = Possessive
There = Place
Get it right, for goodness sake!
Also;
Your = posessive
You're = you are.
Not that fucking difficult.
I've already ranted about my "I love you" debate.
Screamo music. Dear Lord.
I understand that everyone has their own opinions on music, but come on, screamo is pushing it. Websters defines music as "the science or art of ordering tones or sounds in succession, in combination, and in temporal relationships to produce a composition having unity and continuity" also as "vocal, instrumental, or mechanical sounds having rhythm, melody, or harmony." Screamo, has ZERO continuity/ unity. Also, can anyone find a rhythym, melody or harmony? I can't. Just because people say it's raw emotion, but that doesn't make it worthy of qualifying as a music genre.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Guilt.
If you put every emotion in a magic bullet, and turned it on high for about 3 years, that's how I feel right now.
Angry. Depressed. Frustrated. Sadn. Exhilirated. Energetic. Confused. Upset. Hurt. Lost. Guilty.
All I want to do is be good enough for him, but it's messing me up.
I usually eat everything I have for breakfast. All the cereal. All the Milk. And all of the fruit. But this morning, even in my half asleep mind, I stopped. I felt like I had to force myself to eat. I hated it. I felt guilty. And bad for eating. I pushed it away and wanted to break down into tears. I wanted it out of me. Every single bite of it. Every morsel of food that passed my mouth today hurt. And my mom bringing me chocolate didn't help. I ate a small piece, the size of a quarter and the thickness of my pinky. I wanted someone to hit me. It would have felt better to have my nose repeatedly broken than to eat more. I sit here almost crying because I feel like I've let everyone down. Like I've lost everything. I'm so hurt and confused. I'm the small child lost in the big city and all anyone can do is trip over me and push me around. I want to curl up in a ball and let them. Because I deserve it. I deserve every. single. kick. And I'd take them for him. I feel like the only way I'll be good enough for him is to... is to... I don't know. I really don't know.
I'm lost and clueless. And I can't find my way into his heart or his arms. I'm too big or not smart enough or not good enough at the things that he is. I amount to nothing in his world. I'm nothing but a girl who he walks past every day and thinks nothing of. And even if I jump out in front of him, he'd walk right through me. That's how I am to everyone. Invisible. Invisible and Guilty.
Angry. Depressed. Frustrated. Sadn. Exhilirated. Energetic. Confused. Upset. Hurt. Lost. Guilty.
All I want to do is be good enough for him, but it's messing me up.
I usually eat everything I have for breakfast. All the cereal. All the Milk. And all of the fruit. But this morning, even in my half asleep mind, I stopped. I felt like I had to force myself to eat. I hated it. I felt guilty. And bad for eating. I pushed it away and wanted to break down into tears. I wanted it out of me. Every single bite of it. Every morsel of food that passed my mouth today hurt. And my mom bringing me chocolate didn't help. I ate a small piece, the size of a quarter and the thickness of my pinky. I wanted someone to hit me. It would have felt better to have my nose repeatedly broken than to eat more. I sit here almost crying because I feel like I've let everyone down. Like I've lost everything. I'm so hurt and confused. I'm the small child lost in the big city and all anyone can do is trip over me and push me around. I want to curl up in a ball and let them. Because I deserve it. I deserve every. single. kick. And I'd take them for him. I feel like the only way I'll be good enough for him is to... is to... I don't know. I really don't know.
I'm lost and clueless. And I can't find my way into his heart or his arms. I'm too big or not smart enough or not good enough at the things that he is. I amount to nothing in his world. I'm nothing but a girl who he walks past every day and thinks nothing of. And even if I jump out in front of him, he'd walk right through me. That's how I am to everyone. Invisible. Invisible and Guilty.
Monday, February 7, 2011
To Eat, or Not to Eat.
Human nature is to consume everything in sight just for the rush you can feel when you tear through it with your teach and let your taste buds tell your brain you're enjoying it. Then to have it slide into your stomach and be forgotten. Forgotten that is until you step on the scale, or try to get into ass-tight jeans. Or when you're heavier than half of your male friends.
While a recent post discussed how average my weight is, I still decided that no one cares what the doctors say, just what the scale says.
Well, I only ate half of breakfast and broke my lunch up into small meals throughout the day. I ate a bagel for dinner at about 15:30. And that was it. It feels kinda good. To not eat. Im growing used to the empty feeling in my stomach and the lightheadedness. It puts you into a whole new world, hunger does. But I'd still rather not eat. I can almost talk to the moans my stomach makes. It's like a game. It wants, and I tease it with a little food and it moans out again later when I don't give it enough. But right now I'm winning. Maybe I'm doing it for me, maybe I'm not. Some might call it dumb, but we'll see how long it lasts. I may be sick of it tomorrow or I may keep going until I'm sick and they have to force feed me. I don't intend for the level of extremity to come out of this. I only want to feel good enough for him, since I'm not as I am. He's better looking than me and in much better shape and a much more talented athlete (well, maybe) and probably has got more money than me. I don't know why I want to seem good enough. But I won't fake anything. I'll get in better shape and get prettier. And maybe someday I'll have lots of money. But who knows? I sure don't.
While a recent post discussed how average my weight is, I still decided that no one cares what the doctors say, just what the scale says.
Well, I only ate half of breakfast and broke my lunch up into small meals throughout the day. I ate a bagel for dinner at about 15:30. And that was it. It feels kinda good. To not eat. Im growing used to the empty feeling in my stomach and the lightheadedness. It puts you into a whole new world, hunger does. But I'd still rather not eat. I can almost talk to the moans my stomach makes. It's like a game. It wants, and I tease it with a little food and it moans out again later when I don't give it enough. But right now I'm winning. Maybe I'm doing it for me, maybe I'm not. Some might call it dumb, but we'll see how long it lasts. I may be sick of it tomorrow or I may keep going until I'm sick and they have to force feed me. I don't intend for the level of extremity to come out of this. I only want to feel good enough for him, since I'm not as I am. He's better looking than me and in much better shape and a much more talented athlete (well, maybe) and probably has got more money than me. I don't know why I want to seem good enough. But I won't fake anything. I'll get in better shape and get prettier. And maybe someday I'll have lots of money. But who knows? I sure don't.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Live in Concert.
So I didn't watch much of the super bowl, as I had it muted while doing my homework. I looked up and saw the B.E.P. concert. I turned it up to listen. HOLY.BALLS. I am NEVER going to any Black Eyed Peas concert. They were absolutely terrible. The dancers and high tech performance was very very cool. But the singing made my ears bleed a bit. They should stick to the extremely editied studio versions. Needless to say, I muted that shit and went back to reading Huckleberry Finn for the third time.
P.s. Usher's performance with Will.I.Am. made up for it.
P.s. Usher's performance with Will.I.Am. made up for it.
Rodeo.
I went to the Dodge Toughest Cowboy rodeo today, and I sincerely miss rodeo. While I love eventing, Rodeo is great too. My only problem is the barrel girls. They have NO f***ing idea what they're doing. I believe this about many western game riders. Western pleasure isn't as bad, but then again, most western pleasure riders suck AND are stuck up. All they care about are their belt buckles to show off. Well guess what, as an eventer, we get broken bones, bruises, scars, muscles, ribbons, trophies and money for our awards. Not some big flashy buckle. I'm perfectly happy knowing inside that I'm a truely good rider in all aspects. Including sportsmanship. I've been at horse shows in which western riders won't hesitate to plow you down with their horse because either A; they can't control it, or B; they simply don't care. BUT. I respect western riders attempts to be good equestrian. But there's nothing in this world that's stronger than an eventer. When I have more time on my hands, I'm going to put on my jods and show shirt, zip on my leather half chaps and clean up my jumping saddle. Because bitches, I'm barrel racing in an english saddle. It's lighter and I can outrace you any day of the week. I've done it multiple times and I'll do it again.
This is why I ride. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbIVLe41Sq8
This is why I ride. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbIVLe41Sq8
Friday, February 4, 2011
Wht did u say?
Okay so texting language is annoying. I'm going to edit this blog with all of my texting pet peeves later, but for now I have to say this.
Ily, Ilu, I love u, love u, uhmmm and anything else that isn't "I love you" bothers me. I understand shortcuts for other things. But come on people, if I love you is worht saying, it's worth spelling out.
Ily, Ilu, I love u, love u, uhmmm and anything else that isn't "I love you" bothers me. I understand shortcuts for other things. But come on people, if I love you is worht saying, it's worth spelling out.
"Ups and Downs"
I'll re-edit this blog when I think of something new in my life that contributes to my "ups" and my "downs". I'll also have a grey area category of things that change or are both.
Ups
Riding: I'm an amazing rider and my trainer Julie will take me far and so will Nikki.
Abbith: Ohhhmygosh. I don't know what I'd do without this girl. She's helped me through so much and she's really the only friend I have here.
Quinn: Just tonight, (2/4) Quinn and I talked for the first time in months. And it felt good. We're so close. I feel like he is my big brother and I could go to him about anything, even if I just need a laugh.
Grey
Boarding: I love to board, but with school, I just don't have time. It sucks to see my board sitting in my room all lonely.
Photography: I have a passion for photography, but my digital photography teacher is making me hate it... with a passion.
IMJ: I love this kid like crazy, but he's so far away. He makes me happy but kills me at the same time.
Downs
School: I love learning. But the school environment sucks.
Ups
Riding: I'm an amazing rider and my trainer Julie will take me far and so will Nikki.
Abbith: Ohhhmygosh. I don't know what I'd do without this girl. She's helped me through so much and she's really the only friend I have here.
Quinn: Just tonight, (2/4) Quinn and I talked for the first time in months. And it felt good. We're so close. I feel like he is my big brother and I could go to him about anything, even if I just need a laugh.
Grey
Boarding: I love to board, but with school, I just don't have time. It sucks to see my board sitting in my room all lonely.
Photography: I have a passion for photography, but my digital photography teacher is making me hate it... with a passion.
IMJ: I love this kid like crazy, but he's so far away. He makes me happy but kills me at the same time.
Downs
School: I love learning. But the school environment sucks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)